Muscle Memory

I step on to the treadmill... I almost forgot how to even start the dang thing. It rapidly speeds up to 4.5mph where it's that awkward speed where you think you could walk, but you can't, but it's not an average running speed. My legs start to burn. I have to take some short 5-10 second breathers frequently. My body is so confused because it hasn't been able to be very active in over a year, not to mention what bed rest had done to my body.

As I started running, the burn in my muscles KILLED!!! I wondered how I was ever going to make it through a mile. I realized at that point it was just going to be a mental game. How much can I endure? How much can I push through? I realized how often I was taking miniature breaks for my legs to chill out, and every time I would set a goal to go longer and longer, but somewhere along the line I found myself in a zone. I was having thoughts that carried me through into a thread of pain. 

ENDURE... this word is my personal anthem. It carries a tune of such truth and motivation to me and the little song it sings in my head is very emotional. I kept repeating "endure" in my head over and over again. Before I knew it that pain in my legs had transpired into a warm comfortable feeling, like when you eat warm soup on a cold day. As that warmth fully engulfed my calves, I felt it move up into my knees and to my quads where I could feel my legs regain blood to its tissue. That warmth is what lifted my legs after each stride as if I had new wings. My legs seemed to be weightless and I became lost in time and in my thoughts. My thoughts were fueling me and giving me empowerment. I could feel an emotional release come through.

"Endure" strikes me so hard because I know I endured the pregnancy with the twins!! I endured the mental, emotional and physical burden and pain that was thrown at me while on bed rest. There are so many emotions that come from that experience that I just haven't worked out yet. Emotions that are still burried deep into the tissue of my muscles. The pain is still hiding in my body and it's not until I work out that I find that undiscovered trauma. The last few times I have worked out I literally break out into tears. Remembering the fear I had of losing not one baby but two babies, the fear of each day becoming more and more painful, the fear of feeling the pain of missing my son. Pain was found everywhere in those two months in the hospital. I thought I was happy and great, I thought I was strong and awesome... but here I am six months after the twins were born and I'm still discovering that I haven't worked out the trauma of that experience, not realizing that I possessed so much fear. 

I know I should get over it!!! I thought I was already!! How has this pain been hiding? Have you heard of muscle memory before? You know when you keep your toothbrush in the same exact spot for a year or two and then you decide you want to get a new toothbrush stand but this will also cause you to maybe change up your routine. So for the first several weeks no matter how hard you try, your hand will always reach for the place of where you toothbrush use to be. You laugh and think, "Man I should really get use to this by now... talk about old habits dying hard!" It's not just a habit, it's your muscle literally remembering those exact details of you physical surroundings. With that said, I believe it also carries emotions. When I was 16 I lived with our family friends for a year to be with them for several reasons, one was that they had a son my same exact age who unfortunately suffered a horrible brain injury three years previous. Doctors said he was brain dead and would stay in a constant stage of vegetation. However, I would beg to differ about some things. Living there I noticed that there were times when he would become very horrified. He would shout and scream and his whole body would shake. We would always run to him and comfort him to let him know he was okay and we would lay our hands on his body to give him a physical reminder. One of the first times I witnessed that I asked the nurse, "Why does he do that?" and she replied, "His body still holds onto the trauma of the accident and he will get scared from time to time." Our bodies are so spectacular. They work in such beautiful ways!! And our brain isn't the only one who holds memories.

Doesn't that give you a new insight of how our bodies react to addictions, or how our heart always knows how to beat, or how our skin knows how to heal a wound. These are not just amazing scientific facts, it's our bodies working with our spirit and mind. We are connected in so many ways to our bodies and our brain isn't the only tissue that is capable of retaining memories and emotions. Did you know that hugging each other literally places pressure on our nerve system that gives signals to our brain that we are calm and safe while also releasing endorphins... and you thought you just like to hug the ones you love ahahah. Nope!! Our bodies communicate so much to our brains AND WE DON'T EVEN KNOW IT!!! 

As I was running I could feel the blood flow deep into my muscles. I could feel all that I experienced from being on bed rest. It seemed to carry through into my blood stream and up into my brain where flash backs began to come, causing tears to stream down my face. The toxins were finally leaving my body! Running is healing, and tonight I discovered it is essential to me as an individual. It is a part of my life like sleeping and eating. It literally has elements of purpose to the human function. It completes the part of my body that I can't do otherwise. It's the part that I truly missed while being tied up to a monitor 24/7. I can't say I am going to become a hard core runner, but I can say that it does provide me sanity and moments of healing.  

I Swore I Never Would....

I always said I would never pierce my babies' ears. I don't know why. It wasn't like I didn't like other babies with pierced ears... it just wasn't my thing. I didn't want my children to ever feel like looks are/was/is a big deal. I've had this inner battle since I was in the hospital on bed rest {where I had tons of time to think about it}. The pros and cons seemed about the same, but I knew if they were too identical, pierced ears would be in my benefit. Well the girls are super identical. There are literally only two people on this planet who have been right 90% of the time they guess... and guess what... those two people are not me and Gian. Yep, even Gian and I get confused more then we like to admit.

So here is my list of pros and cons

Pros                          Cons
No drama when they are                  I don't want them to feel 
older                                                like they are only pretty if...

It is easier to clean                         I feel selfish

Less chance of closing up               What if I rob them of them having their 
                                                        own experience 

Other people can tell them              Will people think I'm a bad mom for
apart                                                not telling them apart

It will help them while in pre-         Not sure if I like the look of earrings
school/nursery

If they don't want people to            What if I regret it
tell them apart they can wear
the same earrings.

No one has ever said, "I                   What if they get jacked up
really regret getting my ears
pierced!!!"

It's next to their faces so it is             Does it hurt them too much
easier than looking at their toe 
nails

In the winter their feet will be          I am just not sure how I feel about   
covered                                            any of it

It makes our lives a little less           I didn't like my experience
complicated, which with 
multiples is def. on the top of          Is is age appropriate?
my list.

I don't have to keep painting            I liked waiting/choosing for myself and
their toes, which is now                   the excitement that came with it 
getting harder

It's consistent and I don't have         Will they still look like babies?
to worry about it changing like
everything else on their body.          What if they don't want to be different?

So that is a good, valid list right? Once we had twins I felt like it was a whole new ball game, but I just kind of felt in my gut it was something I needed to do. I was done painting their toes! I was getting tired of the whole task and now they are putting their feet in their mouths. I don't care if the paint is non-toxic... it's still chemicals that could go through their bodies and it's not solving the problem that their paint flakes off in 7 days or less, not to mention they are moving more and it's harder now that they aren't in their swings and I don't want to feel like I have one more chore to do!

But here was the deciding factor - I was holding Snow and I knew it was her, but we were dancing around the room, singing a song when I saw her reflection in the mirror and called her by her sister's name and then I had my usual twilight zone moment trying to figure out who I held last and why and where and how.... its a trippy moment!! ...and it happens ALL THE TIME!!! Like more than once a day... and at that moment I knew earrings would stop me from feeling like I live in a parallel universe.... all the time!

The next day at church, I realized how the earrings were growing on me and I felt like it wasn't taking away from their natural beauty, but instead I was confident who was who and I didn't need to compare them to each other or spaz out and connect the dots of who was where last when and why moment. I especially loved that Gian could pass me a girl and I didn't have to search her feet to confirm my thought... to later be proven wrong, or even compare her to her sissy. I like that the earrings are so close to the face because it keeps you focused on their different features. But mostly I loved telling people who was who with out having to think of the process ahahah.

So if you are debating if piercing your twins ears is the way to go... then think of this - When she is two, she will love knowing that her friends and family will call her by the right name just because of one small tiny detail that doesn't define her. She can change it at any moment to be just like her sister if she asks/wants. When she is two and in nursery her teachers will not go crazy trying to keep track or who is which, and at two it won't be too late to regret doing it because if you did do it... you know you're just in a world of hurt to pierce at that age! Like I mentioned before, "I really regret having pierced ears," said no girl EVER!!!

Ohhh PS Rose is PINK and Snow is PURPLE ahahah now you will always know too!

Now let's just laugh at how adorable this photo is!! And you can tell me who is who ;)

Wordless Wednesday: 9/11

May we never forget those who are the real super heroes. Today was kind of an amazing day for this kid! Ohhhh and he touched nearly every button on the planet and almost started the engine! It was love at first sight for all who participated!! {We even brought them cookies!}