We Have Some New Birth{s}-days...

Welcome to the world..

Rose (5 lbs. 3 oz) and Snow (5 lbs. 7 oz) ...currently in the NICU...

McKinley is recovering and will return to blogging soon...stay tuned...

Rose

Rose

Snow

Snow

The Chronicles of a Stir Crazy Lady: Hitting a Wall

After I hit week three I began to feel emotionally weak. There was a cloud of depression that totally engulfed me. As I laid in bed, I remembered feeling the intense question of WHY. If it was such a blessing to have children why was THIS so hard? If we made the decision about getting pregnant and felt good about it, then why did this have to be so hard? Why did I have to give up complete control of everything in my life to be on bed rest? All these hard questions blocked me from happiness. I hit a wall! Which was a funny thought to swallow because I believed that I was free from the hardship. I heard my nurses and doctors say, "You will hit a wall, some days will get hard!" but I thought to myself, "Ohhh that won't happen to me because I am doing great. I got this!!! I am happy, I know it is worth it all... so I won't hit a wall!" There was denial all around me, every which way, which prevented me from experiencing "the wall" until one day I just broke.

One morning while Gian was here in the hospital with me, we FaceTimed with Ekemona. The whole time I was fighting the tears. When I felt them flood my eyes I shifted the screen so only Gian's face was in it. I missed my little boy blue so much. I missed not being able to snuggle with him or wrap his monster towel around his drenched body after bath time. I miss his kisses and the way his eyelashes fell on his checks while he slept. I missed the way he came and woke me up in the mornings and the way he says "NOOOOO!" and the way he would hold his fork while he ate. I missed the way he loved to take his shoes off when we came home and gently placed them away in their spot by the front door. I MISSED HIM TOO MUCH!!! Watching him on FaceTime made my heart break the loudest I have ever heard it shatter.

It wasn't until that moment when I became honest with myself and said, "It hurts too much to think of him. I can't think of him and all the things I miss because the emotion is too strong for me to conquer and deal with. So I'll repress it..." That truth began to rack up guilt of all kinds. I didn't want to forget him, I didn't want to miss him. If I didn't think of him then time would go by faster, when I think of him it made it hard to fight for this pregnancy and I wanted to give up just so my family could be united again.

As much as I tried to keep it together it was apparent that my face was feeling more then I could communicate. I hustled off the phone so I could just talk to Gian. I looked at him and the flood gated opened. I started off just saying, "I miss him," while tears streamed off my cheeks onto my pregnant belly.... Gian came and hugged me and those tears rapidly turned into yells and sobs. I have never whimpered such noises in my life, and it was loud, and visibly painful. And all the while I thought, "Oh my gosh... this feels so good. I needed the emotional release!" Gian stood there holding me while my emotions bursted out of me like a little fire cracker. At some point I managed to pull myself together, and we talked more. Gian had to get going so I understood I was going to be alone again, and I remember feeling the pain of depression darken the room. There wasn't a single thought in my head that could get me to not cry.

I realized I needed to be alone and I needed to cry. I was afraid that I wouldn't get out of the funk. I was afraid that my ability to find joy was gone and I couldn't imagine staying in the hospital for several more weeks with that kind of sadness, so I prayed. As I prayed and I begged to be lifted up, to find happiness and to find the will to continue to fight for this pregnancy, I prayed for strength because I was ready to give up. After that prayer, and many tissues, I was able to get back into normal place of mind... a glooming dark cloud seemed to hang over me, but it felt so good to release all of my emotions!

So I did what I always do to help the time pass by, which was unlock my phone and see what people were doing on Facebook. While I scrolled down the news feed I was reminded of this amazing video that was put together by the LDS church, which is narrated by President Henry B. Eyring {first counselor of the first presidency}. It is so powerful and it served a different purpose to me that day than it had the other 39 times I watched it previously.



The sincerity in President Eyring's voice and the truth that I feel in his words define everything I felt the first few nights I was here in the hospital along with the time I hit the wall. "If the foundation of faith is not embedded in our hearts the power to endure will crumble." That line pierced me!! It is exactly how I have been feeling. The power to endure!! We are expected to square our shoulders, wipe our brow, roll up our sleeves and plow through. We are expected to endure... because God knows we can. Everything about this video testifies to what I have been pondering the long and lonely days I feel when that dark cloud lingers above me.

I choose to share these experiences with you, in hopes that you may find relief in your struggles, or for anyone who chooses to Google "bed rest" and they somehow come across these "Chronicles." My intentions are never for you to feel sorry for me, and when I hear that I get sad! Mostly because I am happy... yes, this is a hard trial for me, it is the biggest mountain I have had to climbed, but I have so much to be thankful for that I don't ever want to discredit that. So I will say it; IT FREAKING SUCKS!!! But the blessing to be able to endure and stay pregnant is the greatest thing I can accomplish right now - its outcome is greater then I can imagine. Knowing that every day I stay pregnant is one more day that reassures that these babies have a healthy body makes all the discomfort tolerable... and that is where I find my joy... that is what fuels my ability and desire to plow through.

A Baby Shower at the Hospital

I have some great friends!! I am so thankful for them and our relationships. They wanted to throw me a baby shower, and then when I ended up in the hospital, so they decided to turn the baby shower into an open house. It was exactly what I needed. Being here in the hospital, I literally counted down the days to the shower. It is what made time move and it was so important to have something to look forward to. Not to mention, have a reason to do my hair and makeup for the first time in WEEKS!!! Being in the hospital, I am super restricted doing basic tasks and it is a blessing that I even have shower privileges. So it felt sooooooooooo good to wake up that morning and be excited for something! 

Thank you Amrah, Elyse, and Monette for being such great and supportive friends! 

Me, Amrah, and Monette

Gen and Me

Me and Elyse 

Amrah {a.k.a. Ams, a.k.a. AK47}

My sexy husband!!!

I'm excited to wear my homemade hospital gown!!

 The beautiful set up of amazing flowers and delicious food! 

Maternity and Family Photos

My friend, Jenni, is a cute and very talented girl. She started her own company called Bloomies where she makes some of the most amazing accessories. Be sure to check out her website. It's hard not to buy everything she sells!!

Another thing about Jenni is that she has a talent for photography. I am so impressed with her style and ability capture sweet candid images. Here are some pictures she took of our family on January 19th when I was 24.5 weeks pregnant..... is it crazy to believe that my belly is even bigger now? Gian told me the other night that my belly is no longer proportionate to my body hahahahha. Thank goodness for hospital gowns... it keeps me in denial hahha. 

The Chronicles of a Stir Crazy Lady: It's the Little Things

Being in the hospital all day, with so many restrictions, makes your days seem endless, and it's the little things that bring you happiness. It continues to amazing me how much the little things take my day from boring and lame to a place of gratitude and joy. These little things usually originate from people and their amazing willingness to serve.

I want to share with you all the things that have helped me in case you ever have a family member or friend in the hospital. Sometimes it's hard to know what will help others, and I hope that this can give you some insight or inspiration of what you can do for them because I don't know about you, but I never know what really helps me or how to ask for help. So these acts of kindness have shined a whole new light on how I can serve others in their hard times.

Home Sweet Home: When my mom flew out here the day I was admitted, she went to Target and came back with sheets and the world's softest blanket. As you already know, the first few nights were the hardest and when my mom made my hospital bed, with sheets of a loving mother, it really brought so much comfort into the room, and that night I slept the best I did in days. Gian brought me my pillows from home and VIOLA the bed completely transformed!!

Here is my mom making my bed with cute yellow and grey print.... so comfy 

and fun! Plus I get complements on it ALL the time!!! 

Spontaneous Visits: I have friends come and just sit and talk!! They stay for about and hour or two but it means so much to have people come and just visit!! If I am really lucky, they even come bearing food! Which is already a social event, but when you don't have the ability to eat when you want or what you want.... it literally releases endorphins causing a mini high!! PS It doesn't have to be spontaneous, planed visits are equally as fun because it gives you something to count down to throughout the day... which is what most of us moms here have to do to make time move.

Girls from Young Woman's came to visit me it was like a mini party!!

Christmukkah: I had a friend, Lindsay Bean, come up with the greatest idea I have ever heard!!! She came with a sack full of presents, each marked with a number and every day I got to open one gift. This was vital to me my whole first two weeks. I would wake up just like a kid would on Christmas day excited to see what I would find behind the brightly colored wrapping paper. The first one was a calendar, where I could write my goals and check off days to see how far I had come. It has been soooooooooooo amazing!! I was able to use colorful markers to decorate the calendar with joy and motivation. It was sooooooooo perfect and exactly what I needed! When I opened a new gift for a new day, she had written notes to explain the purpose and meaning of why she picked it. Some things were for the babies and some things were for me. Another one I loved was a journal, and I have been able to write in it anything I have wanted -  for the twins, for Ekemona, for myself. It was a great idea!!! She also wrapped tennis balls in cute colored socks and sewed them shut. They were made to rub out the knots you get when laying in bed all day. I LOVE IT!!! Sometimes I make Gian rub them out so I can relax and enjoy it even more.... then he does it to himself. He likes them just as much as me ahhahaha. And it was so nice to see the gifts for the twins. It kept me excited to dress them and I felt like I was nesting, even though I couldn't!

My pimped out calendar!! See the check marks? That's each day I had completed. 

Mondays are my big day of the week since that is when the twin's gestational 

date changes. 32 weeks is our first big milestone. Smiley faces are my words

 of encouragement! 

Blooming Things: I cannot tell you how much flowers have brought so much joy!! It brings color into the room, they smell good, and just the fact that someone is thinking of you and wanting you to know you are loved and missed is the sweetest gesture.

My friend Amrah put these flowers together for my shower.

They are all in different beautiful bottles and mason jars and sit on my window sill. 

Edible Delights: Like I mentioned before, FOOD!!! I have never felt more excited to see some kind of familiar food that I know and like! Even something like cereal or a candy bar, no matter what it is, it is uplifting and joyous to have something to look forward too. Even if it's gone within a few short minutes hahaha.

I Feel Pretty: I have made several of these hospital gowns and have eagerly wanted to start my own company, but this pregnancy has obviously given me some setbacks and that whole dream has taken the backseat. However, if you would like one please contact me and I would be thrilled and honored to make one for you, as it would further motivate me to continue my passion and dream. I have made these gowns for family and friends and of course that meant I had to make one for myself right?!? Luckly I was able to make it long before I ever was on bed rest, but having it makes me feel special. I originally made these gowns with the idea of making moms-to-be feel beautiful and sassy when in the hospital with their new baby. Usually a lot of pictures are taken at that time and a lot of visitors want to see your bundle of joy, and without any effort the bright colors and fun patterns bring a style and comfort to healing mothers without the complications of other clothing items. Being in the hospital on bed rest, I discovered a whole new experience with hospital gowns. This gown, with such little red carpet worthy shape, really makes me feel good when I know people are around, and all the nurses here approve!! They love it, some more then I do, ahhaahha and they all encourage me to keep my dream going! That in itself makes me feel even better laying around her all day!

I am wearing these sexy white compression 

hose to help prevent blood clots...

don't be jealous!!! 

Reading/Writing: So many people have dropped off magazines and short little books. It's nice when you grow old of the TV. And writing helps process all your emotions and hardships. I have found it so important and mentally rewarding to write out my thoughts.

Phone Calls: Any form of social interaction, including FaceTime/Skype, make the day feel a little more cheerful. It also keeps us feeling like we are still in the loop of things.

Baby Shower: I was blessed with some of the best of friends who wanted to throw me a shower while in the hospital. Luckily my hospital is so amazing and supportive and encourage all sorts of social events. It was so vital for me to count down the days and to wake up and feel like I could get ready for the first time in weeks. It felt good to socialize with others and have beautiful decorations and delicious food. It was just the perfect touch!

I am so thankful for people who have just taken the reigns and shown up with XYZ in hopes of making things a little better and easier because it really has!! I know in the past I would just say, "How can I help you?" or "Is there is anything you need, please let me know!" or "I'm just a call away!" I knew these things I would say were just empty words, but at the same time I felt so lost not knowing what to do for that individual. With all these people in my life who have been such great examples, I have been inspired to do better than just give empty words, but I know now to just show up with helping hands. So thank you to everyone who has been there for us these last several weeks!!! It has been so amazing to feel your love and kindness!

The Chronicles of Stir Crazy Lady: Part 1

Wednesday, February 13th:

I woke up just like it was any other day. I met a friend at the store to gather some Valentine's gifts for our girls in Young Woman {the youth group we volunteer for at our church}. My friend, Stephanie, offered to watch Ekemona while I ran to my doctors appointment... she even suggested I relax and pick Eke up after I was well rested around 1:00pm. Stephanie, her sons, and Eke went off to a bounce house where the boys had a hay day being wild and crazy. She was a life saver.

I never got to pick Ekemona up that day. Instead, I got undressed in a cold quiet room that was dressed and ready for a new baby... or in our case, babies. The beautiful view from my room was uplifting to the fears and anxiety I was beginning to feel. As the confusing day started to unfold, I twirled my thumbs and waited to see Gian walk through the door. Gian arrive and we looked at one another and realized we needed to begin a new plan. My mom called and said she had booked the next flight out and will be there first thing in the morning. It's amazing how you don't even know what you need in a time like that... but I needed my mom!! I needed her to watch my little buddy, my pride and joy, and care for him as if she were me. I needed her love and understanding to comfort me.

Night time came... my slumber did not. I was afraid to relax and I was afraid to be alone because then I would have to face the fact that my knees haven't stopped shaking since I got here. So I began to talk to my nurse for THREE hours! She filled the void I was trying to repress with her stories of her children and husband and friends. After she finally left, I rolled over.... more like hoisted a cannonball of a belly and slept a whole hour and a half . It wasn't even a deep enough sleep to forget my thoughts. I woke up, went to the bathroom, and waited for the sun to rise. While I waited, I began to feel like Dr. Drew's patients in Celebrity Rehab who are left in complete isolation to unravel their deep rooted emotions, and I just began to cry.

I cried for a good two hours and with every tear that fell I weeped harder. I was scared. I began to think of the twins and how we had clothes for the two of them to come home in... and what if they don't come home... what if only one comes home. Then I thought of my little sunshine boy, the little man who is always thriving with joy, the little one who made a couple into a crowd, a family. I wanted to be his mom!!! I wanted to be there for him when he is proud of himself, so he could know I was proud of him too. I wanted to hear that little voice and see that great smile. I wanted to be the one he picks to watch his favorite movie and to make his lunch and to tuck him in to bed just right!! I wanted to sing to him and read stories with his pajamas snug tight across his toddler body. At this moment I realized I didn't get the privilege to be his mommy, and that's when I cried the hardest. My heart sincerely broke and has been broken ever since. 

When the sun started to glare into my eyes I impatiently waited for my breakfast to arrive. It took too long and the hands on the clock never seemed to move. That day was rough. I was mentally and emotionally broken down and now my physical pains started to kick in. Everything about this strange mechanical bed was repelling me from feeling any relief. Everything seemed impossible. I replayed in my head how many weeks I would be here, and it all seemed so impossible. Especially when those moments came where I could actually feel my contractions... I felt so weak and so mortal. I wasn't sure if I could carry through. I didn't know if I had it in me to endure. I found an inner conflict. I said to myself, "What if I just gave up and let my body do it's thing.... and just let the babies come?!?" But it didn't sit well within my heart. ENDURE.... that word kept haunting and possessing my brain. I would twiddle and unwrap with the word like a curious little boy takes apart a train to understand how it works. Then it came to me. I had to make the decision to fight for this pregnancy, to commit to doing my best even if that meant doing some of the hardest things I have ever done before, to endure the physical pain to ensure the twins stay right where they are, and that moment I promised myself and the twins that I would ENDURE for them so they could have the healthiest bodies possible. 

At that time, I knew I had to sacrifice a lot of things to ensure the better outcome for our family and I knew it had to be a choice I made. My body was able and willing to go into labor at any moment and I knew that I needed to align my body with my spirit and mind to get into a complete meditation mode. While I drifted away into that state, which was easy because all the exhaustion I was feeling, thoughts began to flood my brain to the point where I wasn't sure I was even able to understand and hear them all. A few that I can actually remember were 1). Somethings just happen... they just happen. It doesn't make you wrong but its just part of living a mortal life. 2). Take the drugs they offer you, it's not a time or place to be worried about the side effects, their purpose in your life are more important at this time. As I came back into a form of awareness, I could also  acknowledge that there are some woman who don't get the choice to keep their babies in, but I have the ability to FIGHT and ENDURE and for the first time in my life I have to understand what those words really mean and turn them into a verb.

The first few days in the hospital were hands down the hardest days. Writing this post has brought back those emotions and just as I did on those nights, I cried. This has been one of the biggest challenges I have gone through. This is one of my biggest adversities that I have had to climb,  but every day gets a little bit easier. Everyday adds up to a week and that feels worth it! All the visitors and cheerleaders {those of you who have left so many wonderful comments, text, emails to help encourage me} make me thankful for the time that passes while I helplessly lay here. I never thought such little things could unlock so much joy, and for those moments I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am mostly thankful that those first few days here in the hospital are over. I hope they stay further and further away the longer I stay here.

It is all worth it!! And I know the out come will be greater then this hardship. Fighting and enduring has reviled such a great new meaning to me and I am thankful for the chance to apply them into my life along with the importance of known what it truly means.