Muscle Memory

I step on to the treadmill... I almost forgot how to even start the dang thing. It rapidly speeds up to 4.5mph where it's that awkward speed where you think you could walk, but you can't, but it's not an average running speed. My legs start to burn. I have to take some short 5-10 second breathers frequently. My body is so confused because it hasn't been able to be very active in over a year, not to mention what bed rest had done to my body.

As I started running, the burn in my muscles KILLED!!! I wondered how I was ever going to make it through a mile. I realized at that point it was just going to be a mental game. How much can I endure? How much can I push through? I realized how often I was taking miniature breaks for my legs to chill out, and every time I would set a goal to go longer and longer, but somewhere along the line I found myself in a zone. I was having thoughts that carried me through into a thread of pain. 

ENDURE... this word is my personal anthem. It carries a tune of such truth and motivation to me and the little song it sings in my head is very emotional. I kept repeating "endure" in my head over and over again. Before I knew it that pain in my legs had transpired into a warm comfortable feeling, like when you eat warm soup on a cold day. As that warmth fully engulfed my calves, I felt it move up into my knees and to my quads where I could feel my legs regain blood to its tissue. That warmth is what lifted my legs after each stride as if I had new wings. My legs seemed to be weightless and I became lost in time and in my thoughts. My thoughts were fueling me and giving me empowerment. I could feel an emotional release come through.

"Endure" strikes me so hard because I know I endured the pregnancy with the twins!! I endured the mental, emotional and physical burden and pain that was thrown at me while on bed rest. There are so many emotions that come from that experience that I just haven't worked out yet. Emotions that are still burried deep into the tissue of my muscles. The pain is still hiding in my body and it's not until I work out that I find that undiscovered trauma. The last few times I have worked out I literally break out into tears. Remembering the fear I had of losing not one baby but two babies, the fear of each day becoming more and more painful, the fear of feeling the pain of missing my son. Pain was found everywhere in those two months in the hospital. I thought I was happy and great, I thought I was strong and awesome... but here I am six months after the twins were born and I'm still discovering that I haven't worked out the trauma of that experience, not realizing that I possessed so much fear. 

I know I should get over it!!! I thought I was already!! How has this pain been hiding? Have you heard of muscle memory before? You know when you keep your toothbrush in the same exact spot for a year or two and then you decide you want to get a new toothbrush stand but this will also cause you to maybe change up your routine. So for the first several weeks no matter how hard you try, your hand will always reach for the place of where you toothbrush use to be. You laugh and think, "Man I should really get use to this by now... talk about old habits dying hard!" It's not just a habit, it's your muscle literally remembering those exact details of you physical surroundings. With that said, I believe it also carries emotions. When I was 16 I lived with our family friends for a year to be with them for several reasons, one was that they had a son my same exact age who unfortunately suffered a horrible brain injury three years previous. Doctors said he was brain dead and would stay in a constant stage of vegetation. However, I would beg to differ about some things. Living there I noticed that there were times when he would become very horrified. He would shout and scream and his whole body would shake. We would always run to him and comfort him to let him know he was okay and we would lay our hands on his body to give him a physical reminder. One of the first times I witnessed that I asked the nurse, "Why does he do that?" and she replied, "His body still holds onto the trauma of the accident and he will get scared from time to time." Our bodies are so spectacular. They work in such beautiful ways!! And our brain isn't the only one who holds memories.

Doesn't that give you a new insight of how our bodies react to addictions, or how our heart always knows how to beat, or how our skin knows how to heal a wound. These are not just amazing scientific facts, it's our bodies working with our spirit and mind. We are connected in so many ways to our bodies and our brain isn't the only tissue that is capable of retaining memories and emotions. Did you know that hugging each other literally places pressure on our nerve system that gives signals to our brain that we are calm and safe while also releasing endorphins... and you thought you just like to hug the ones you love ahahah. Nope!! Our bodies communicate so much to our brains AND WE DON'T EVEN KNOW IT!!! 

As I was running I could feel the blood flow deep into my muscles. I could feel all that I experienced from being on bed rest. It seemed to carry through into my blood stream and up into my brain where flash backs began to come, causing tears to stream down my face. The toxins were finally leaving my body! Running is healing, and tonight I discovered it is essential to me as an individual. It is a part of my life like sleeping and eating. It literally has elements of purpose to the human function. It completes the part of my body that I can't do otherwise. It's the part that I truly missed while being tied up to a monitor 24/7. I can't say I am going to become a hard core runner, but I can say that it does provide me sanity and moments of healing.