The Chronicles of a Stir Crazy Lady: Hitting a Wall

After I hit week three I began to feel emotionally weak. There was a cloud of depression that totally engulfed me. As I laid in bed, I remembered feeling the intense question of WHY. If it was such a blessing to have children why was THIS so hard? If we made the decision about getting pregnant and felt good about it, then why did this have to be so hard? Why did I have to give up complete control of everything in my life to be on bed rest? All these hard questions blocked me from happiness. I hit a wall! Which was a funny thought to swallow because I believed that I was free from the hardship. I heard my nurses and doctors say, "You will hit a wall, some days will get hard!" but I thought to myself, "Ohhh that won't happen to me because I am doing great. I got this!!! I am happy, I know it is worth it all... so I won't hit a wall!" There was denial all around me, every which way, which prevented me from experiencing "the wall" until one day I just broke.

One morning while Gian was here in the hospital with me, we FaceTimed with Ekemona. The whole time I was fighting the tears. When I felt them flood my eyes I shifted the screen so only Gian's face was in it. I missed my little boy blue so much. I missed not being able to snuggle with him or wrap his monster towel around his drenched body after bath time. I miss his kisses and the way his eyelashes fell on his checks while he slept. I missed the way he came and woke me up in the mornings and the way he says "NOOOOO!" and the way he would hold his fork while he ate. I missed the way he loved to take his shoes off when we came home and gently placed them away in their spot by the front door. I MISSED HIM TOO MUCH!!! Watching him on FaceTime made my heart break the loudest I have ever heard it shatter.

It wasn't until that moment when I became honest with myself and said, "It hurts too much to think of him. I can't think of him and all the things I miss because the emotion is too strong for me to conquer and deal with. So I'll repress it..." That truth began to rack up guilt of all kinds. I didn't want to forget him, I didn't want to miss him. If I didn't think of him then time would go by faster, when I think of him it made it hard to fight for this pregnancy and I wanted to give up just so my family could be united again.

As much as I tried to keep it together it was apparent that my face was feeling more then I could communicate. I hustled off the phone so I could just talk to Gian. I looked at him and the flood gated opened. I started off just saying, "I miss him," while tears streamed off my cheeks onto my pregnant belly.... Gian came and hugged me and those tears rapidly turned into yells and sobs. I have never whimpered such noises in my life, and it was loud, and visibly painful. And all the while I thought, "Oh my gosh... this feels so good. I needed the emotional release!" Gian stood there holding me while my emotions bursted out of me like a little fire cracker. At some point I managed to pull myself together, and we talked more. Gian had to get going so I understood I was going to be alone again, and I remember feeling the pain of depression darken the room. There wasn't a single thought in my head that could get me to not cry.

I realized I needed to be alone and I needed to cry. I was afraid that I wouldn't get out of the funk. I was afraid that my ability to find joy was gone and I couldn't imagine staying in the hospital for several more weeks with that kind of sadness, so I prayed. As I prayed and I begged to be lifted up, to find happiness and to find the will to continue to fight for this pregnancy, I prayed for strength because I was ready to give up. After that prayer, and many tissues, I was able to get back into normal place of mind... a glooming dark cloud seemed to hang over me, but it felt so good to release all of my emotions!

So I did what I always do to help the time pass by, which was unlock my phone and see what people were doing on Facebook. While I scrolled down the news feed I was reminded of this amazing video that was put together by the LDS church, which is narrated by President Henry B. Eyring {first counselor of the first presidency}. It is so powerful and it served a different purpose to me that day than it had the other 39 times I watched it previously.



The sincerity in President Eyring's voice and the truth that I feel in his words define everything I felt the first few nights I was here in the hospital along with the time I hit the wall. "If the foundation of faith is not embedded in our hearts the power to endure will crumble." That line pierced me!! It is exactly how I have been feeling. The power to endure!! We are expected to square our shoulders, wipe our brow, roll up our sleeves and plow through. We are expected to endure... because God knows we can. Everything about this video testifies to what I have been pondering the long and lonely days I feel when that dark cloud lingers above me.

I choose to share these experiences with you, in hopes that you may find relief in your struggles, or for anyone who chooses to Google "bed rest" and they somehow come across these "Chronicles." My intentions are never for you to feel sorry for me, and when I hear that I get sad! Mostly because I am happy... yes, this is a hard trial for me, it is the biggest mountain I have had to climbed, but I have so much to be thankful for that I don't ever want to discredit that. So I will say it; IT FREAKING SUCKS!!! But the blessing to be able to endure and stay pregnant is the greatest thing I can accomplish right now - its outcome is greater then I can imagine. Knowing that every day I stay pregnant is one more day that reassures that these babies have a healthy body makes all the discomfort tolerable... and that is where I find my joy... that is what fuels my ability and desire to plow through.