The Chronicles of Stir Crazy Lady: Part 1

Wednesday, February 13th:

I woke up just like it was any other day. I met a friend at the store to gather some Valentine's gifts for our girls in Young Woman {the youth group we volunteer for at our church}. My friend, Stephanie, offered to watch Ekemona while I ran to my doctors appointment... she even suggested I relax and pick Eke up after I was well rested around 1:00pm. Stephanie, her sons, and Eke went off to a bounce house where the boys had a hay day being wild and crazy. She was a life saver.

I never got to pick Ekemona up that day. Instead, I got undressed in a cold quiet room that was dressed and ready for a new baby... or in our case, babies. The beautiful view from my room was uplifting to the fears and anxiety I was beginning to feel. As the confusing day started to unfold, I twirled my thumbs and waited to see Gian walk through the door. Gian arrive and we looked at one another and realized we needed to begin a new plan. My mom called and said she had booked the next flight out and will be there first thing in the morning. It's amazing how you don't even know what you need in a time like that... but I needed my mom!! I needed her to watch my little buddy, my pride and joy, and care for him as if she were me. I needed her love and understanding to comfort me.

Night time came... my slumber did not. I was afraid to relax and I was afraid to be alone because then I would have to face the fact that my knees haven't stopped shaking since I got here. So I began to talk to my nurse for THREE hours! She filled the void I was trying to repress with her stories of her children and husband and friends. After she finally left, I rolled over.... more like hoisted a cannonball of a belly and slept a whole hour and a half . It wasn't even a deep enough sleep to forget my thoughts. I woke up, went to the bathroom, and waited for the sun to rise. While I waited, I began to feel like Dr. Drew's patients in Celebrity Rehab who are left in complete isolation to unravel their deep rooted emotions, and I just began to cry.

I cried for a good two hours and with every tear that fell I weeped harder. I was scared. I began to think of the twins and how we had clothes for the two of them to come home in... and what if they don't come home... what if only one comes home. Then I thought of my little sunshine boy, the little man who is always thriving with joy, the little one who made a couple into a crowd, a family. I wanted to be his mom!!! I wanted to be there for him when he is proud of himself, so he could know I was proud of him too. I wanted to hear that little voice and see that great smile. I wanted to be the one he picks to watch his favorite movie and to make his lunch and to tuck him in to bed just right!! I wanted to sing to him and read stories with his pajamas snug tight across his toddler body. At this moment I realized I didn't get the privilege to be his mommy, and that's when I cried the hardest. My heart sincerely broke and has been broken ever since. 

When the sun started to glare into my eyes I impatiently waited for my breakfast to arrive. It took too long and the hands on the clock never seemed to move. That day was rough. I was mentally and emotionally broken down and now my physical pains started to kick in. Everything about this strange mechanical bed was repelling me from feeling any relief. Everything seemed impossible. I replayed in my head how many weeks I would be here, and it all seemed so impossible. Especially when those moments came where I could actually feel my contractions... I felt so weak and so mortal. I wasn't sure if I could carry through. I didn't know if I had it in me to endure. I found an inner conflict. I said to myself, "What if I just gave up and let my body do it's thing.... and just let the babies come?!?" But it didn't sit well within my heart. ENDURE.... that word kept haunting and possessing my brain. I would twiddle and unwrap with the word like a curious little boy takes apart a train to understand how it works. Then it came to me. I had to make the decision to fight for this pregnancy, to commit to doing my best even if that meant doing some of the hardest things I have ever done before, to endure the physical pain to ensure the twins stay right where they are, and that moment I promised myself and the twins that I would ENDURE for them so they could have the healthiest bodies possible. 

At that time, I knew I had to sacrifice a lot of things to ensure the better outcome for our family and I knew it had to be a choice I made. My body was able and willing to go into labor at any moment and I knew that I needed to align my body with my spirit and mind to get into a complete meditation mode. While I drifted away into that state, which was easy because all the exhaustion I was feeling, thoughts began to flood my brain to the point where I wasn't sure I was even able to understand and hear them all. A few that I can actually remember were 1). Somethings just happen... they just happen. It doesn't make you wrong but its just part of living a mortal life. 2). Take the drugs they offer you, it's not a time or place to be worried about the side effects, their purpose in your life are more important at this time. As I came back into a form of awareness, I could also  acknowledge that there are some woman who don't get the choice to keep their babies in, but I have the ability to FIGHT and ENDURE and for the first time in my life I have to understand what those words really mean and turn them into a verb.

The first few days in the hospital were hands down the hardest days. Writing this post has brought back those emotions and just as I did on those nights, I cried. This has been one of the biggest challenges I have gone through. This is one of my biggest adversities that I have had to climb,  but every day gets a little bit easier. Everyday adds up to a week and that feels worth it! All the visitors and cheerleaders {those of you who have left so many wonderful comments, text, emails to help encourage me} make me thankful for the time that passes while I helplessly lay here. I never thought such little things could unlock so much joy, and for those moments I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am mostly thankful that those first few days here in the hospital are over. I hope they stay further and further away the longer I stay here.

It is all worth it!! And I know the out come will be greater then this hardship. Fighting and enduring has reviled such a great new meaning to me and I am thankful for the chance to apply them into my life along with the importance of known what it truly means.