The R-Word

Today is National Stop the R-Word Day and I have been thinking about this topic for a long time, but it has always been hard for me to find the words to why I'm so passionate. My friends blog inspired me to write a post, to share with you my emotions, pains, passion and experiences around the use of the R-word and why it just isn't slang but indeed profanity.

I have a niece with Cri du Chat. To me she is a delightful bright and strong spirit. She is motivated and she loves, she is precious beyond words and to me I believe she is perfect. I have been thinking what it must be like for her, where her motivation comes from and why that darn cute little girl is always so happy, and it dawned on me, she believes she is normal, she believes she is perfect and she believe she can conquer any problem she faces. She also has awesome parents who keep pushing her to her fullest potential that leads her to believe all that I said above is true... and that's because it is true!

I know this because I saw my mom do it with me. When I was diagnosed with APD it was so severe that the doctor told my mom I would never learn to read or write or hold a job. My mom replied with shock, "What??!?!" The doctor then pointed to my ears and said, "You see she has low set ears, she will never learn" {which for the record, there is no link to low set ears to any form of disability}. My mom went into her car and cried. With rage she slammed her fist in to the stirring wheel  and yelled out loud, "SHE WILL READ, SHE WILL WRITE, SHE WILL, SHE WILL!" Throughout the years, my mom would talk to tutors and teachers and other scholastic authorities and they would always use the word "disabled" or "disability." My mom couldn't take it and demanded they change the word to "ability to learn differently." My mom would say, "She is not disabled, she is fully able. And by using those words you are in fact drilling into her head, unconsciously, that she is not capable. We need to change the words that describe her differences."

In my mind I was normal. I never saw myself different than the kids around me, I never knew how hard I struggled, I never knew I was that much different. All I knew is that it was hard for me, and that I couldn't grasp the information like everyone else, that it wasn't easy, but by being with friends and family, I was able to have fun and play and use my imagination which in return created unmeasurable amounts of happiness and self esteem. I was able to blossom and grow according to my own timeline and no one else's, and if anyone said differently to me I could brush them off because it wasn't true. They were the ones who were wrong, they are the ones who had the problem.

I share this with you, because of two reasons 1). I see it with my niece and I saw it with another girl who had sever Autism, and with my guy friend who was paraplegic, and my other friend who had sever brain damage. All they wanted was to be viewed like everyone else, they wanted to have that play-date, they wanted people not to stare, they wanted to be on the same level as everyone else, which is where they thrived from and where  their motivation was conceived. This is what kept them from ever believing they were different. 2.) When I was a young teenager I would use words such as "gay, retard, retarded and handicap" and it wasn't until my friend Chesie told me why it hurt her and other people. She corrected me every single time until I stopped using the word and I am so thankful to have a friend like her with those morals and standards to take a stand for what is right.

So the reason the words "retard" and "retarded" are not acceptable or considered profanity is because it is WRONG to limit a person due to their ability to do things differently. It is wrong to take a technical medical term to describe a negative situation or emotion. It is not just slang, it is not just a joke because our public broadcasting has censored the word to be not be used in TV shows or radio, and other people are taking a stand to let you know it hurts deeply when the R-word is used as a description to put down something or someone in a situation.

If you would like to join the fight then take this pledge and spread the word to end the word.

Growing Pains: Confession #1

Remember in 1993 when Free Willy was released and Michael Jackson made this amazing song to go along with the film? 

Yes, this movie is all I thought about for the whole year after I saw it, and yes, I knew every word to that MJ song, and yes, I thought if I posed magically like this kid on a pier of rocks, the world's most loving and social whale would breach up out of the water and, by chance of all physics, just baaaaaaaaaaaarely missing me and then would return safely back into the deep... not shallow, sea water!! 

But this isn't the embarrassing part that I wanted to share with you. It is was when my 6-year-old self felt the need to do something about these innocent whales who were endangered. I indeed wrote down and even memorized the 1-800 number from the ad that was placed in the movie before the film started. The ad simply explained that we needed to come together to save the whales and that we were the only ones who could make a change. Naturally, I was emotional and I felt the sense of urgency to do my part.... I called not once, not twice, not even five times... I called so many times I lost track. I remember calling from my phone, my friend's phones, pay phones, and mostly the pay phones at the airports {that one is my most vivid memory of them all and yes we flew a lot... every other weekend}!!

What did I accomplish from calling? I have no freaking idea!!! All I know is every time I called I felt like I had to be sneaky about it because I wasn't 18 years old, I wasn't even half the age.  I remember the person on the other line always asking, "Are your parents there?" and that was my cue to hang up the phone and walk away nonchalantly like nothing ever even happened. {Which by the way I did the same thing to a psychic number at a friends house, and her mother was not please to say the least!!}

If movie producers want to make a change for the better good of a species, I would strongly encourage them to not use children to try and convince the phone operator that their imaginary credit card in fact would work with the 3 digits she would give them. A 6-year-old little brain cannot comprehend how this fake number will or will not help animals just like Willy... all she can understand is she needs to call to do her part. 

It's still my dream to do so many wonderful fantastic things with animals... one of which is this... 

Source

It is Important to Me!!!

IT CAME, IT CAME, IT CAME!!! It is finally here!!! My dad got me this present I have been asking for since... since I heard it on TV in like 2005, regardless of me having any children or not.

My Baby Can Read

Funny thing is... I got Gian "Teach Your Baby Math" ahhahahah. When G-On was in one of his classes last year, his professor talked about it with the class. G knew he wanted to do this with his son-to-be. GDashOn is very passionate about math and teaching, he really is so brilliant and wants to share that love with his kids. 

I have no idea how Ekemona will actually respond to these products, but I want to do everything I can to help him progress. I remember thinking when I was younger, how I will do everything I can to help my children read, and read young. Because of my APD and my delayed reading and comprehension skills, I have always felt very passionate about it. I would never want my children to have to go through what I went through. This is my passion, to ensure their ability to read, to teach them in multiple ways... because we all do learn differently. So if Eke ends up not loving it then that is OK. At least I know I did my best to get him interested and get him involved while still stimulating his growing brain!

It may sound funny to some that we as parents can be so passionate about learning. From my personal experience, I understand that it may not be for every child, and by no means will I ever push anything they don't want, but it is important to me to offer them every possibility to learn, especially because I know of the struggles and pains that can come with delays.

APD

.::Growing Pains Series::.

This may be beyond boring, but I want to post this in case a parent Googles "Auditory Processing Disorder" or "Learning Disabilities." I hope that they will find some answers, or feel like they have someone to connect with. And for my selfish reasons, I hope to find someone else with APD.

Auditory Processing Disorder {APD} is a very complicated and complex issue that is only found in 5% of children. It is when the brain cannot fully cooperate with the ears when transmiting information correctly. The ear can hear every tune, pitch and sound, but the way the brain will absorb the information is different than the way the ear actually hears it. Something adversely affects the way the brain recognizes and interprets sounds, most notably the sounds composing speech.

People who do have APD do not recognize a subtle difference between sounds in words, even if you pronounce it loud and clear. This is the flaw that causes the disorder in the audio process. Information is being lost from the connection of the ear to the brain. For example, I literally cannot hear the difference between Sidney and Cindy or shadow and shallow, or even detect a letter in a word like breakfast, I use to say breafest, or growing pains sounded exactly like groin pains.

If the auditory defects are not identified and managed early, it can cause speech and language delays along with academic delays. Don't you think that makes sense? It is like trying to learn things under water. It is muffled and sounds blend together. Have you tried to hear the difference between the letter A and the letter E under water? They sound exactly the same, but after much time you could train yourself and your brain how to acknowledge each noise, and how they are different. When your brain is young and still developing there are windows of opportunities to grasp knowledge, when you miss those windows, learning can become tedious and frustrating because your brain has already moved on. I believe this is why academic delays can become a challenge as well. The child now has to learn how they learn and retain all that information along with the lesson that was just taught. That is a lot of work for a young brain. Does anyone remember learning to read, or learning their alphabet? If the answer is no, I would suspect it is because you learned at the time that your brain was absorbent and susceptible to information. Mine was just starting to learn how to perceive noises and information instead of understanding instantly, and moving on to the next phase/lesson.

They actually do not know what causes APD... there is no answer. However, they do know that to communicate, it requires certain mental abilities such as attention and memory, which is exactly the two things I really struggle with. With that said, APD is hard to diagnose and can be misunderstood as a hearing problem, ADHD, ADD, or dyslexia - all of which I did get tested for and was not diagnosed with. I wonder if there will ever be a cause or reason for learning disabilities. I don't entertain that thought often because why do we need an answer? We are all born with traits and talents, gifts and abilities and maybe we need a part of our mind to work differently to be able to access those gifts. We need to be different and have different experiences. In my adult life, I have found that my APD is a blessing and I love who it has made me become. It is who I am, it is a part of me and it is what has sculpted me. How could you not love something that has served such great purpose?

I actually have never met anyone with APD, and one day I hope I do. At times it is painful to feel alone in the struggle. Maybe I will meet someone by having this series. 

I also hope that this will raise awareness around learning disabilities or delays. Getting your child evaluated has no negatives but has hundreds of benefits.  You will actually be benefiting your child tremendously. As a parent, I want to reassure you that there is no shame or embarrassment in choosing to get your child evaluated, and it doesn't reflect who you are or how you parent. You may ask your pediatrician or contact your local Early Intervention Programs for more information and/or diagnosis. 

What Dreams May Come

.::Growing Pains Series::.

I was about 8 years old when I fully started to comprehend how behind I really was for my grade. I began to understand the pain of struggling and how much work I still had ahead just to stay caught up with other kids in my class. I remember, several nights I would pray and ask Heavenly Father to help me to read, that I would be able to break through this wall.

The frustration was so thick; it was like a clogged drain. I couldn't even put my feelings into words. One day while my mom was working with me on my reading, I just broke in half. I melted away into my own tears. I remember not understanding what all these letters were trying to tell me, to me they just danced across the page without purpose or order. That was the hardest I remember crying. My mom asked me to draw what I was feeling since I couldn't put words to my thoughts. I drew myself in front of a book with steam coming out of my ears. Reading made my blood boil.

As I got ready for bed that night, it seemed like my emotions diminished completely. I was back to my happy, playful self where the real world and imagination seemed to be in the same realm. 

When I awoke the next morning, I remember a vivid dream I had the night before. The dream was so enhanced with rich colors and textures, and the noises literally rang like a clear bell. 

It began with the world coming to an end. There were rainbows around the entire earth making the design of an element sign. I wasn't sure what to do, I saw a group of children {of all different diversities} my age saying they knew the way to safety. I decided to follow them, I being the slowest and the very last of all of them. We crossed over a rushing river and had to use stepping stones to make our way across. The journey to safety seemed centuries away, I was exhausted. We then were in a rain forest with exotic flowers, trees, and animals. There was a part on the path that had a giant log that was covered in moss that reached far above my head and it was blocking the path. It was too slick to throw my body over, and the lush was too thick to go around. Everyone had already passed me by, there was no one to help me over, no one to hear me scream. "I can't do it... I can't make it over this hump!!" With fear and frustration, I held my face in my hands and just cried. I knew the importance of the urgency to make it to this "safe place" and I believed I was stuck permanently. 

Out of no where, while in a pool of my tears, I heared a voice say, "I can help you!" Through tear-filled eyes, I argued with this voice explaining, "There is no way you can help me, I am stuck here all by myself and I can't do it!" I knew that the slippery log would betray my feet, and the height was far too high for anyone to help. Like a rush of wind, I again heared a soft and loving voice say, "I can help you. Take my hand!" I looked up, trying to find the voice. I do not see a person, but a man's hand reaching out to take me home. It was a hand that I had recognized, something I had seen before. It was strong and solid; there was no doubt or fear in that man's hand and I could feel the promise he was extending! Matching the voice to the hand, I was excited to know I was going to be OK. Anxiously, I took his hand and he lifted and pulled me up over the giant log. I was there!!! I was with everyone else. I was in a "safe place" that was so beautiful, a place that your imagination couldn't even begin to paint. It has so many amazing details. 

I stood there with all the other children, taking in the gorgeous scenery. I remember rejoicing with everyone and they were happy I was there with them. There was a sense of peace and relief that assured us we were safe and sound and had nothing to every worry about.

Being 8 years old, I knew that this dream was significant. I knew it had great meaning to me and that I would hold on to that memory for the rest of my life. At the time, I remember thinking, "This dream had to do with my learning disability. I will be OK one day, I will get it! There are people around me who are here to help, and I know that God knows all that I am feeling. If I would allow it, I could lean on Heavenly Father and he could literally lift me up."

Now, 16 years later I feel much more emotional about this memory. To me it was a very spiritual experience and I treasure the meaning it has. I still think of this memory during other trying times and it seems to comfort me the same way as it did that one day when I was 8. 

Some time after my dream, I came across this photo. It has always stayed in my memory because it resembled my dream very closely. This painting is called "Be Not Afraid" by Greg Olsen.

Growing Pains

I would like to introduce you to a new series I will be doing on my blog called Growing Pains, where I will share my experiences, memories, and stories of my learning disability and my childhood. Since I received so much good feedback on a previous post, I thought I would continue to share more and to keep it organized by making it it's own series.

The reason I feel it is important to keep sharing my stories is to relate and connect to anyone who is or has gone through the same thing or something similar. I hope that my stories will enlighten knowledge around all kinds of people and that there is no such thing as "abnormal" that we are in fact all normal, just different variations. I mean, if people didn't like spunk then M&M's would not offer different colors in each bag you buy, right?!?

I hope you enjoy reading these segments and can get a real sense of what it is like to be inside my head.

Feel free to see the new tab above for more information.

DUMB

The word dumb never bothered me. I never felt it was true when someone would say the word stupid or dumb. I believe it was because I knew in my heart I wasn't dumb, I just learned differently. I knew that I had different kinds of intelligence.

  

As a kid, I was always comfortable in my own skin. I had ginormous glasses, huge teeth, bulky knees and stringy blonde hair. There literally wasn't a thing you could say to me that would bring me down. I would look at someone and think, "Who cares?!?!" I overheard my teacher once tell my mom that I had great self-esteem. I still believe that is true.

This is me in 3rd or 4th grade with my cat ahahahah I told you!!!

I always surrounded myself with people who knew exactly who I was. Not one of my friends ever thought I was dumb... well I think they knew something was off because I didn't read or do other scholastic things at their same level. I have several friends who actually don't think (and express to me) that my learning disability isn't as bad as I say it really is. I think it is because they could still see other kinds of intelligence that I have. I was and am always thankful for this.

The only time I struggle with feeling dumb is when I can tell someone truly believes I am. That they think they are better then me. That they are so quick to judge and not see other talents I posses. When this becomes the case, I begin to follow into their thought process like a fly gets trapped in honey. After a while, I can easily snap out of it and realize... "Wait... They don't get who I am!"

I don't want to prove who I am. I don't believe that is the proper way to change someone's incorrect view. Yet I feel frustrated, overwhelmed, and hurt knowing that someone doesn't see my full character, that they are stuck in their way of thinking.

I have found there are two ways to address this...
(1) Call them out on it and let them know exactly how you feel, or (2) push them out because they aren't worth your while. Anyone who believes you are below them doesn't deserve your breath, PERIOD!

But what do you do when you can't do either of these options? Do you prove why you are their equal? Do you just continue to know who you are, knowing that your true character and personality isn't shining through? Do you worry about what they say when you are gone?

I don't care what other people think of me... I know this statement rings true throughout my whole soul, but I do care that I haven't allowed my true self to come across. In case you didn't read it before, I love my learning disability. It has made me the person that I want to be. It keeps my feet on the ground, and I would never wish it away. I would just wish that people would remember that everyone has feelings and would remember that by putting me or anyone else below your thumb is wrong!

What would you do?

One of My Greatest Challenges

When I was younger I had some speech delays. My mom was worried that I possibly had a hearing problem. She took me to get my hearing tested and the results came back completely fine. As I grew older, there were other delays developing such as not knowing my ABC's, reading, shapes and colors seemed to be confusing as well. My mom was beginning to grow more concerned. She took me in to get more testing done. They ruled out ADD and ADHD... they did a simple test to see if it was dyslexia - nope, not that either. Finally after the right test the doctor was able to give my mom an answer. I was diagnosed with Auditory Processing Disorder also known as APD. Not only was this my learning disability, but mine was quite severe. The doctors told my mom that I would never learn to read or write, or hold a job. Well by reading this you can already see how much I have accomplished.

My mom and dad were devastated but relieved at the same time. My mom was worried about what the future held for me, but thrilled to have an answer to start making a plan of what would be best for me and my scholastics. I never did like school, I spent many hours trying to understand something so difficult yet everyone else was able to learn so easily. I remember learning to read and looking at the letters as if they were hieroglyphics. Everyday after school I would stay an extra hour working in a class called Resource, then after that I would meet with a tutor to help me with homework and other tasks. 

This lasted almost my whole education. There were various programs that I was in and other Resource classes. When I was in the 4th grade my mom found this a program in Berkley (at the time we were living in a town in the Bay Area called Alamo) it was about an hour away from our house and I traveled at 8 am during commuting hours. It was 3 hours a day 5 days a week for 3+ months. My mom was able to clear it with my school so I actually didn't ever attend my class until the afternoon. I loved it because every day after the program I would get lunch with my mom at this 50's diner. I loved how my parents always tried to make it a fun day. When I graduated from the program, my parents took me to this wonderful hotel called the Claremont Hotel for a fancy lunch were I wore my favorite dress and tights, and my dad gave me this beautiful porcelain doll. I felt like a princess, and I knew they were so proud of me and that meant the world to me.

To be completely honest I am not sure when I ever learned how to read. I never felt comfortable reading in front of a large group... a small group... well actually in front of anyone. I actually never enjoyed reading period. I always felt overwhelmed and it seemed to take me much longer to read than anyone else I knew. I didn't feel confident reading out loud until I was 20 years old. I know that I was able to acknowledge the fact that I could read in the 6th grade, but that is all I can really remember... I don't remember getting it or being proud. I just remember my teacher giving the class a reading level test and I scored a 4th grade level and I thought, "Ohhh I can read!"

I would love to tell you that I no longer struggle with this learning disability, or that there is a cure for APD, but unfortunately the only thing that can be done is constant work. I have learned how I learn, how I perceive things, the way my brain works, and memorizing became my greatest tool. I struggle with this every single day, but because it is all I know I am not always aware that it is something I struggle with. In 2009, I was driving home from work balling because I was having a hard day. I called my sister, Brittany, for advice and to vent. I will never forget what she told me, she said, "You have a learning disability, it's not easy! You have learned to compensate for things, you have done so well at this no one even knows that you struggle and if anyone were to see how far you have come they would be astonished." Whenever I think about this it makes me choke up with tears, knowing that someone knows how far I have come and yet knows how hard it still is for me. I never knew until that moment how much I really struggled.

My family has always made me feel loved and accepted, they never once judged me. They helped me to learn that this is who I am and to never be ashamed of it. Because they never had shame around it, I never had shame around it. This has made me a better and stronger person. Without them and their help I don't know who I would be today. 

I want to share this because I hope that anyone who does have a learning disability will be able to love that part about themself. My hope is if you know anyone who is different then you, that you will accept them for exactly who they are, instead of judging them for not filling your standard of "normal" or "intelligent." If you have a child that is behind in any way there is nothing wrong with getting them evaluated or tested, even if it is something behaviorally. Early intervention can work miracles!! 

Thank you Mom and Dad, Brittany, McCall and Kachina for all your support, love, guidance, understanding and example.