Muscle Memory

I step on to the treadmill... I almost forgot how to even start the dang thing. It rapidly speeds up to 4.5mph where it's that awkward speed where you think you could walk, but you can't, but it's not an average running speed. My legs start to burn. I have to take some short 5-10 second breathers frequently. My body is so confused because it hasn't been able to be very active in over a year, not to mention what bed rest had done to my body.

As I started running, the burn in my muscles KILLED!!! I wondered how I was ever going to make it through a mile. I realized at that point it was just going to be a mental game. How much can I endure? How much can I push through? I realized how often I was taking miniature breaks for my legs to chill out, and every time I would set a goal to go longer and longer, but somewhere along the line I found myself in a zone. I was having thoughts that carried me through into a thread of pain. 

ENDURE... this word is my personal anthem. It carries a tune of such truth and motivation to me and the little song it sings in my head is very emotional. I kept repeating "endure" in my head over and over again. Before I knew it that pain in my legs had transpired into a warm comfortable feeling, like when you eat warm soup on a cold day. As that warmth fully engulfed my calves, I felt it move up into my knees and to my quads where I could feel my legs regain blood to its tissue. That warmth is what lifted my legs after each stride as if I had new wings. My legs seemed to be weightless and I became lost in time and in my thoughts. My thoughts were fueling me and giving me empowerment. I could feel an emotional release come through.

"Endure" strikes me so hard because I know I endured the pregnancy with the twins!! I endured the mental, emotional and physical burden and pain that was thrown at me while on bed rest. There are so many emotions that come from that experience that I just haven't worked out yet. Emotions that are still burried deep into the tissue of my muscles. The pain is still hiding in my body and it's not until I work out that I find that undiscovered trauma. The last few times I have worked out I literally break out into tears. Remembering the fear I had of losing not one baby but two babies, the fear of each day becoming more and more painful, the fear of feeling the pain of missing my son. Pain was found everywhere in those two months in the hospital. I thought I was happy and great, I thought I was strong and awesome... but here I am six months after the twins were born and I'm still discovering that I haven't worked out the trauma of that experience, not realizing that I possessed so much fear. 

I know I should get over it!!! I thought I was already!! How has this pain been hiding? Have you heard of muscle memory before? You know when you keep your toothbrush in the same exact spot for a year or two and then you decide you want to get a new toothbrush stand but this will also cause you to maybe change up your routine. So for the first several weeks no matter how hard you try, your hand will always reach for the place of where you toothbrush use to be. You laugh and think, "Man I should really get use to this by now... talk about old habits dying hard!" It's not just a habit, it's your muscle literally remembering those exact details of you physical surroundings. With that said, I believe it also carries emotions. When I was 16 I lived with our family friends for a year to be with them for several reasons, one was that they had a son my same exact age who unfortunately suffered a horrible brain injury three years previous. Doctors said he was brain dead and would stay in a constant stage of vegetation. However, I would beg to differ about some things. Living there I noticed that there were times when he would become very horrified. He would shout and scream and his whole body would shake. We would always run to him and comfort him to let him know he was okay and we would lay our hands on his body to give him a physical reminder. One of the first times I witnessed that I asked the nurse, "Why does he do that?" and she replied, "His body still holds onto the trauma of the accident and he will get scared from time to time." Our bodies are so spectacular. They work in such beautiful ways!! And our brain isn't the only one who holds memories.

Doesn't that give you a new insight of how our bodies react to addictions, or how our heart always knows how to beat, or how our skin knows how to heal a wound. These are not just amazing scientific facts, it's our bodies working with our spirit and mind. We are connected in so many ways to our bodies and our brain isn't the only tissue that is capable of retaining memories and emotions. Did you know that hugging each other literally places pressure on our nerve system that gives signals to our brain that we are calm and safe while also releasing endorphins... and you thought you just like to hug the ones you love ahahah. Nope!! Our bodies communicate so much to our brains AND WE DON'T EVEN KNOW IT!!! 

As I was running I could feel the blood flow deep into my muscles. I could feel all that I experienced from being on bed rest. It seemed to carry through into my blood stream and up into my brain where flash backs began to come, causing tears to stream down my face. The toxins were finally leaving my body! Running is healing, and tonight I discovered it is essential to me as an individual. It is a part of my life like sleeping and eating. It literally has elements of purpose to the human function. It completes the part of my body that I can't do otherwise. It's the part that I truly missed while being tied up to a monitor 24/7. I can't say I am going to become a hard core runner, but I can say that it does provide me sanity and moments of healing.  

I Swore I Never Would....

I always said I would never pierce my babies' ears. I don't know why. It wasn't like I didn't like other babies with pierced ears... it just wasn't my thing. I didn't want my children to ever feel like looks are/was/is a big deal. I've had this inner battle since I was in the hospital on bed rest {where I had tons of time to think about it}. The pros and cons seemed about the same, but I knew if they were too identical, pierced ears would be in my benefit. Well the girls are super identical. There are literally only two people on this planet who have been right 90% of the time they guess... and guess what... those two people are not me and Gian. Yep, even Gian and I get confused more then we like to admit.

So here is my list of pros and cons

Pros                          Cons
No drama when they are                  I don't want them to feel 
older                                                like they are only pretty if...

It is easier to clean                         I feel selfish

Less chance of closing up               What if I rob them of them having their 
                                                        own experience 

Other people can tell them              Will people think I'm a bad mom for
apart                                                not telling them apart

It will help them while in pre-         Not sure if I like the look of earrings
school/nursery

If they don't want people to            What if I regret it
tell them apart they can wear
the same earrings.

No one has ever said, "I                   What if they get jacked up
really regret getting my ears
pierced!!!"

It's next to their faces so it is             Does it hurt them too much
easier than looking at their toe 
nails

In the winter their feet will be          I am just not sure how I feel about   
covered                                            any of it

It makes our lives a little less           I didn't like my experience
complicated, which with 
multiples is def. on the top of          Is is age appropriate?
my list.

I don't have to keep painting            I liked waiting/choosing for myself and
their toes, which is now                   the excitement that came with it 
getting harder

It's consistent and I don't have         Will they still look like babies?
to worry about it changing like
everything else on their body.          What if they don't want to be different?

So that is a good, valid list right? Once we had twins I felt like it was a whole new ball game, but I just kind of felt in my gut it was something I needed to do. I was done painting their toes! I was getting tired of the whole task and now they are putting their feet in their mouths. I don't care if the paint is non-toxic... it's still chemicals that could go through their bodies and it's not solving the problem that their paint flakes off in 7 days or less, not to mention they are moving more and it's harder now that they aren't in their swings and I don't want to feel like I have one more chore to do!

But here was the deciding factor - I was holding Snow and I knew it was her, but we were dancing around the room, singing a song when I saw her reflection in the mirror and called her by her sister's name and then I had my usual twilight zone moment trying to figure out who I held last and why and where and how.... its a trippy moment!! ...and it happens ALL THE TIME!!! Like more than once a day... and at that moment I knew earrings would stop me from feeling like I live in a parallel universe.... all the time!

The next day at church, I realized how the earrings were growing on me and I felt like it wasn't taking away from their natural beauty, but instead I was confident who was who and I didn't need to compare them to each other or spaz out and connect the dots of who was where last when and why moment. I especially loved that Gian could pass me a girl and I didn't have to search her feet to confirm my thought... to later be proven wrong, or even compare her to her sissy. I like that the earrings are so close to the face because it keeps you focused on their different features. But mostly I loved telling people who was who with out having to think of the process ahahah.

So if you are debating if piercing your twins ears is the way to go... then think of this - When she is two, she will love knowing that her friends and family will call her by the right name just because of one small tiny detail that doesn't define her. She can change it at any moment to be just like her sister if she asks/wants. When she is two and in nursery her teachers will not go crazy trying to keep track or who is which, and at two it won't be too late to regret doing it because if you did do it... you know you're just in a world of hurt to pierce at that age! Like I mentioned before, "I really regret having pierced ears," said no girl EVER!!!

Ohhh PS Rose is PINK and Snow is PURPLE ahahah now you will always know too!

Now let's just laugh at how adorable this photo is!! And you can tell me who is who ;)

Wordless Wednesday: 9/11

May we never forget those who are the real super heroes. Today was kind of an amazing day for this kid! Ohhhh and he touched nearly every button on the planet and almost started the engine! It was love at first sight for all who participated!! {We even brought them cookies!}

Pride

Pride: there are two kinds... one that is good and one that is detrimental to everything good in this life, i.e. mostly relationships, but today I want to talk about the good kind of pride.

There is one kind of pride that makes you feel like rainbows are bursting out of your heart and mini unicorns are frolicking around you with sparkling fairy dust. O.KAY fine.... maybe that's just the way I feel when joy has totally consumed every fiber of my being, but that kind of pride is what makes us wake up every morning! It's the kind that rewards us for all of our hard work and endeavors.    

That is why us parents take PRIDE in our children!! Even when it comes to their poop! Yes folks.... I want to talk to you today about my son's glorious poop!!! Why??? BECAUSE IT NOW IS IN THE TOILET!!!!! FOR TIME AND ALL ETERNITY!!!! This little teeny Haolepino just amazes me. He first went potty all on his own back in early May. I had NO idea what the heck I was doing. I wasn't prepared for this. I had no treats to reward him with, no potty chart, no special seat/potty and most certainly no big kid underwear or pull ups. I was dumbfounded. 

So the next day we ran out bought all the things that I listed above, but since we put him back in diapers I wasn't set on training him. You see, in my mind, I refused to potty train Ekemona until the twins were at least six months old. That would have put Ekemona closer to three years old which I assumed would make things easier, but Eke had other plans. On June 21st we fully committed to potty training him and that was the last day he ever wore diapers, it only took three days. There was only one accident when he peed... on our night stand.... yep.... and that was it!!!! What was he doing on our night stand? I don't recall, but I don't care either because it was not on the carpet sooooooooooooo it was a breeze clean up! 

Don't worry, I had NOOOOOOOOO clue what I was doing, and to be completely honest I kind of made things up because I knew what would work for Ekemona and his personality. For example, I was his freaking labor coach when it came to, "dropping the kids off at the pool", if you know what I mean.... but seriously, remember in movies, or maybe your own labor, there is someone there counting and then pushing and you hear screaming.... yep that was us!! I think that visual sums it up for you, right? ahahahahah It was hilarious and the thought still makes me laugh! For the screaming part.... well for him he had a really hard time relaxing and letting mother nature do it's thing.... so he screamed instead ahahahahha! But after a handful of "labor and delivery" episodes he was a pro!

This is after the first day. Can you believe all those stars? Like my illustrations next to the potty words???

PS I have no idea why I spelled poo with an H. 

My favorite part about potty training him was watching him develop self-esteem and confidence! He too was PROUD of himself and it just tickled me to see him literally jump with joy and shout, "I DID IT MOM!!!!" His favorite shape are stars, so those were the stickers he got to put on his potty chart and he loved those more then his treats {Kisses and Rollos}.

He kept saying "I'm cool mom!!!"

Now that you have read all the latest news on my child's bowl movements you can understand why PRIDE has been such a wonderful emotion in this house. Mostly for me as a parent, but for little tiny humans as well! Pride is what motivates us and makes us continue throughout the day and encourages us to do it all over again! Yep... I'm proud of my little nugget's nuggets!!! And I'm not afraid to say it!

'Merica

I absolutely love our nation!!! And I get all choked up when I start singing "I'm Proud To Be An American" in my head.... that song seriously moves me!!! Every part... not just like one part. Yep... deep down I am a patriotic freak, and I let it shine oh so bright on the 4th of July!

America, for your 237th birthday, I want to thank you for all your glory and star spangle bannered ways! How blessed we are to live in a country that supports and uplifts freedom and who we want to be! Thank you for your greatness!!! I shall reward you with my children....

Our friends from church hosted a get-together with hot dogs, fire pit, s'mores, and fireworks. Man, this neighborhood knows how to put on a show!! It was a good way to fill the void of our traditions in Idaho.

Ekemona and his friend from church enjoying their ice cream from the ice cream truck.

Sparklers were invented for the 4th of July, I swear by it!

What is a holiday if you can't dress your children up in theme colors? Eke is really into super heroes these days. He had Gian make him fly in the air while his arms were straight out like Superman.

The twins in their gingham plaid and star denim headbands. 

Ruffles and bows

I hope you enjoyed this nation's birthday as much as we did! It truly is a great country, and I am honored to be a citizen! A special thanks to our troops, police officers, and firefighters who constantly put their lives first to ensure our freedom and safety! God bless you and this beautiful nation!

The Nursery

In case you wanted to see what it looks like to have three cribs in on room!!

I've changed a few things since this picture was taken, but this is the kids' room. This is how we function in our apartment. 

The bumpers are breathable and SID safe/approved. I am so in love with them. Two girlfriends gave these to me for my baby shower along with the darling sheets. 

The sheets are from Pottery Barn Kids, but I did see ones just like it at Target.

I saw on Pinterest a girl did her own button art. I changed mine a little. 

The mobiles were also a Pinterest inspiration. I made all of it, except the fabric, while I was on bed rest. It was an awesome craft to do!

The cribs, shelves, rug and frames are all from Ikea. I am in love with these cribs!! They are low so it isn't hard to bend over and change the sheets. Wish I had these looooooooooong ago!!

The Twins Were Blessed

Several weeks ago, Gian and I were planning on a date to bless the twins. We knew we wanted it to be sometime in June, but we weren't sure what dates would work best. We chose June 16th, told our family, and the date ended up working great for all of them as well. Later on I realized it was the same day as Father's Day and I became super excited thinking about how special this be for Gian and shocked at how it was unconsciously planned around that date.

Unlike Ekemona's blessing, I could hear and enjoy the girls' blessings. I am amazed at how similar their blessings were and how emotional Gian and I got. The whole sacrament meeting was beautiful. Primary got up and did a musical number for the dads, and all Young Women gave talks and also did a musical number of their 2013 theme song "Stand in Holy Places." It's such a beautiful and powerful song and those girls have such beautiful voices. They set such a wonderful spirit and feeling for the whole meeting. It really was a perfect day!

I started making the twins gowns three days before I was admitted to the hospital. I honestly thought there were days it might not get done... but their bonnet and gowns made it through!! I must say silk taffeta is hands down my favorite fabric in all the world, and I love living so close to the Fashion District where these kind of fabrics are easily accessible and such good freaking prices. I was able to make both gowns for a pretty reasonable price. Plus I was even able to use some of the fabric from my wedding dress! I am utterly pleased for the way they turned out. 

With TWO newborns, things get busy and take us a LOOOOONG time to get normal, basic things done. So I wasn't able to get pictures of all those who participated in the blessing or came to visit, but I got our family photos which is all that really matters anyways. Would you believe it if I told you that my sweet friend Jen took photos of all of us and the twins? She is amazing!! I'm so thankful for her because Jen has captured our maternity, newborn, and blessing photos. WOW!!! She is my personal little angel!! So go to her shop and buy everything that makes you smile!!! Let her know I sent you, so she knows that she is loved!! 

Enjoy the pictures!! 

 This was us trying to call Ekemona over for pictures... ahahha it makes me laugh!! Apparently kissing noises/faces is what attracts our son to us! I won't complain about that, he loves to love!

 His Father's Day dream came true!! All kids in one photo!

When I put the bonnets on the twins the first time, Gian told me, "Now I know what Asians would look like if they crossed the plains...Asian Pilgrims"...

 Love to see him with our children.

 Rose was starting to get over it all {over stimulated I am sure} and Gian's face is priceless!

 My parents.

 My mom, sisters, and niece.

 The world's cutest boy working it like it 'aint no thang.

 They were blessed in their headbands.

 My little Rosebud

 Her lips kill me.

I keep thinking "happiest day of my life" then something else comes along and tops it... a day like this! 

Details of their gowns and outfit with my lack of photography skills and basic point and shoot.

Rhinestone buttons and the most divine satan ribbon ever created! 

The ruffled hem of the gowns and the rosettes were made from the fabric of my wedding dress.

Because two of everything still makes me choke up...