The Chronicles of a Stir Crazy Lady: The Conclusion

**Disclaimer: This may possibly be the longest post I have ever written, but I promise it is worth it! It is mostly about the birth story and the days leading up to it.**

As week six rolled around, I could not believe that I had made it soooooooooooo far. I was 33.5 weeks pregnant and only a few days away from hitting our second goal of 34 gestational weeks. I was so proud of myself, it was such an accomplishment!

On Tuesday, March 19th,  I was starting to hit another wall. I was sad to think I might still have another 2-3 weeks of that place and it was hard to keep a perspective of time. I was hooked up to the monitor where they keep track of my contractions 24/7 and the twins twice a day for 1-30 minutes {big range huh ahahha}. On Tuesday, I was waiting for them to set me free off that ball and chain so I could hop in the shower... but there was a change of plans. Baby A {aka Rose} kept having variables in her heart rate with every contraction. In the past it was usually Baby B {aka Snow} who gave more concern. After a few hours my high risk doctor placed an order for me to get a more intense ultra sounds where they would make sure both babies were okay and if there was a specific reason for her distress. Nothing abnormal appeared so I was left with three monitors on my largely round stomach for 48+ hours. Let my just fill you in on a little secret, during the middle of the night when you would roll over, the monitors would move causing them to loose the heart beat of not just one but both babies. That would mean the nurses would come on in and reposition the monitors, sometimes it would take them 45 minutes to locate the babies heart beat. Sleeping was... was.... well if I can't say anything nice, then I wont say anything at all ahahah, but I will not complain since I only had it on for such a short time period. 

That new discomfort was discouraging. I knew in my gut that the twins were fine, and I knew they were healthy and I wasn't nearly as concerned as the doctors were. On Tuesday night my OB comes in to my room and tells me, "Well it looks like we might be having some birthdays tomorrow!!" I looked at Gian and my face instantly lit up! To know that there was an end date to this extended stay was liberating!! Especially because only a few moments ago I was still under the impression I had 2-3 more weeks left, and like I said before, I knew that there was no danger or harm to my unborn children. It's a weird feeling to try to express unless you can already relate to that gut feeling of "I just knew!!" I instantly started to tune my doctor out with day dreams of holding these two little ones and bringing Ekemona home. I then realized I wasn't paying attention so I tried to home back into the conversation nonchalantly. My OB informed me that between him and my high risk doctor they came to the conclusion that the babies weren't doing any better in me and that they may need to come out the next day. If Rose began to change and progress then they would keep the twins in for as long as the next week when I was exactly 34 weeks. He proceeded to tell me that he would schedule me for a C-Section the next Monday morning. Since both twins were head down I really wanted to try to have them vaginally, especially after how nice of a labor I had with Ekemona, I felt like I could really handle it. So I asked if I could try for a vaginal and my OB replied, "No, it's not safe. Me and Dr. Mills feel it is best the babies not withstand the stress of labor due to their history of not being able to handle your passed contractions." And then just like that the decision was made. I had prayed to know which decision to make and not push for my agenda, knowing that there are so many more complications that come with twins and to just roll with the punches and it was weird to literally not have to make that decision. It was already made for me... and I am happy it was one I didn't really have to make!

As Monday got closer, each day seemed longer and slooooooooooooower, snd I kept thinking how uncomfortable I was with knowing the time and day the twins would enter this great big world! I wanted them to feel like they got to choose their day.... I mean it is their birthday after all. For some reason that deeply bugged me. The night before their scheduled grand entrance my contractions picked up and I was having 9-10 an hour. At that point I was like, "Who cares!! They are coming in a few hours anyways!" but my nurse insisted I took it easy and she came in about every hour to make sure I wasn't in pain. She even woke me up a few times to ensure I wasn't in full blown labor. RUDE!!! haha jk! I loved her! But because of this I believe the twins would have come regardless of my scheduled C-Section. 

Both Gian and I set our alarm clocks to wake up and pack up my room... PACK UP, as in goodbye... adios, aloha, ingat, au revoir, sayonara, shalom.... okay you get the point, we were pretty stoked! Since my brain was so excited I woke up about an hour before my alarm went off so I decided to do my hair and makeup. Not to mention I felt like it was a special day and I, for the first time in six weeks, wanted to look special. While I looked at my calendar for the very last time before taking it down I glared at it with glee and victory! It was so glorious to count each and every one of those orange checks that occupied each right hand corner of the passing days I spent in the hospital. Then I realized the small writing on the box that represented today, it had "passover" written on it. That stuck out to me since my dad used to be Jewish before converting to the LDS faith and also because Gian and I were married on  Rosh Hashanah. It was really amazing and special to me, and at that moment I knew these girls chose this date! They created it to be THEIR birthday regardless of the scheduled C-Section.... they wanted this! And those anxious emotions I felt, diminshed. 

My parents came and met us in my room, I got my IV did paper work, Gian transported our belongings to our next location, and I was wheeled away into the recovery room. Man was that room cold!!! Not to mention the marine layer was hanging low and the chill in the humid air seemed to seep its way through the walls. Once we got situated in the recovery room I was then wheeled in a bed into the OR. I instantly got scared at that point, and Gian was not allowed to come with me and he was not allowed to be there when I got my epidural. As the loud heavy door closed behind me I saw an OR that was nothing like the movies and most certainly nothing like Grey's Anatomy. It was small and there were no windows ANYWHERE!! I saw the huge round lights that hung above me and two bassinets where the twins were planned to go the second after birth. I instantly started to cry. That isn't what I wanted... not surgery,,, and I was scared to feel pain and to recover. I wanted my husband there and my mom to witness the birth, but it wasn't the hospitals policy. We all would have written a waiver to free them of any liability if it meant we could all be together, but they wouldn't have it. I got my epidural and they laid me flat on my back. I could hear the nurses counting off the instruments and then them reading off my medical chart, "White female, 25, identical twin girls...". Each twin had three nurses, a neonatal doctor and a respiratory therapist. That there alone was ten people. I had two nurses, two doctors, the anesthesiologist to the left of my head and Gian to the right of my head... if you've lost count that is another six people. I get why they wouldn't let my mom in... between me and the twins that was a grand total of 18 people in a very small room. 

My OB painted my stomach with iodine and then had some magical paper blanket with some kind of seal he placed over my skin. They then raised the paper blue curtain and started the procedure. I was shaking and to be completely honestly everything seemed like a haze. I don't remember being alert, but I remember having memories, but it doesn't feel like I was conscious. They invited Gian to stand up to view the birth of his daughters. He looked at me and with an excited voice, "They have so much hair, McKinley!!!" I was shocked, I wanted them to have hair so bad because Ekemona did, but I assumed they wouldn't because they were 6 weeks early. At that moment my anesthesiologist held up a mirror for me to see the twins be born. At first I was HORRIFIED to see blood... my own blood!! If you don't know me let me just tell you I can't handle that shiz!! Nope!!! It makes me hysterical... literally! And I am working on it because I am trying to be stronger and not annoying/lame! I didn't know where to look at first so of course my eyes first landed on blood and my incision, but after a fraction of a second they were pulling to Rose {Baby A} who was screaming her little lungs out. It was such a beautiful moment and I started to cry. She had so much dark hair and she looked just like Ekemona did when he was first born. Then in a matter of seconds they whisked her away and Snow was born just one minute later. They suctioned out her mouth and she gave several cries, not as loud or as strong as Rose but it proved to me they were healthy and I felt like they would not stay in NICU for very long. They just had such strong spirits and they made it clear! Witnessing your child being born is the most amazing and joyous experience. I absolutely love that fraction in time where it seems like heaven and earth are the same realm, and for a warm fuzzy second it feels like the whole universe has completely stopped to welcome a perfect and amazing little body. It's an absolute miracle, blessing and privilege! 

Now I will not lie to you and I will tell you, that even though I just painted you a great picture of my experience I will tell you that I experienced more pain then I should have felt. After the twins were born and the doctors were still working on me that amazing magical warm and golden moment completely disappeared. Gian left my side to go cut their cords and to be with his newborns. The neonatal doctors brought the girls to me so I could see them and meet them, but at this time I was in so much pain I was trying my best to focus on breathing. The anesthesiologist was asking me what I was feeling and where and I can't even tell you.... it's not like I could point to that region anyways. All I knew was it hurt! I kept my eyes closed and focused on my breaths and other white noises. I remember the doctors talking, but I have no idea what the conversation was about but they seemed to be having a great time and were very happy little souls! I remember hearing people talking about my pain and I know they were doing everything they could to manage it, but nothing seemed to work. They informed me that I was just one of those rare people who just felt more then normal. Gian went off and away with the girls into NICU while I was pushed back in the the recovery room. There they were finally able to get my pain under control, but I was seeing two of EVERYTHING! I was loopy, but still coherent. I am thankful for that because I know I was able to still have a special experience over all.

I loved having my mom and dad come shuffle through and I love that they got to go up and see the girls in NICU right away. I am so thankful to have had the support from my parents. They are amazing! I'm serious when I say, it hurt me a little to know that everyone got to see the twins before me, yet I was so happy that all three of them were able to have their own special moment with the twins. I felt like I was too drugged up to really enjoy them. We didn't even get to hold the babies until 48+ hours after their birth. That made it hard for me to want to share the joy of them via social media/text because I haven't even had the joy of them yet, but I will never forget that special moment when Gian came back to tell me his experience of the birth and meeting the girls, it was something I wished we had captured on tape!

The next few days of recovery were seriously rough, but it all got easier with every passing day. I loved being able to walk over to NICU to see the little ladies lay peacefully in their isolates, and these girls had a rocking view from their room too! Right over the ocean!! The first few hours Rose and Snow were admitted into NICU the doctors told us to prepare for them to be in NICU for three weeks, but none of us were convinced. The twins never needed any help with their breathing and all the doctors and nurses were completely impressed with their size considering they were twins and six weeks early. They both scored an 8 on their apgar. They were only on a feeding tube for a few days while they learned how to breath, suck and swallow all at the same time. Snow had a harder time at that, but still never was worrisome. The twins had a little biliruben tanning session to help out with their jaundice. These ladies were just awesome as could be! And I'm not even being biased.... they wanted to be born on that day and were ready to prove it. They spent only 6 days in NICU and all the nurses kept complimenting how they were some of the most well behaved babies they have ever seen in NICU. Okay, so maybe I am a proud mama!!

After nearly 7 weeks in the hospital, I was finally discharged on a Friday. Ekemona came back the next day on Saturday and the twins came home that following day on Easter Sunday. It was a wonderful and perfect weekend. Our family was finally back together again and it was such a dream come true. There were days I wasn't even sure this was going to be possible, or days I wasn't even sure I could make it another day, but all that hard work and sacrifice was payed off with the best reward imaginable... a healthy and happy family!

I would do it all over again if God asked me to. This is what life is all about, this is what brings me more love and happiness then anything else on this earth. Having children opens a chamber in your heart that you had no idea even existed. Seal that with unconditional love of your spouse and that is all you could possible ask for in this life! Everything about this difficult pregnancy was worth every discomfort and every pain, every stretch mark and pound gained, every tear shed and freedom I felt was lost.... it was all worth the fight!! This is my greatest mountain I've ever  had to climbed. It pushed me mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally! And I feel victorious!

 One of my closest friends, Jessie {aka The Reason} came all the way from Utah to visit me. It was a total surprise and I had no idea she was coming. One Friday, she just walked straight into my room without any warning! It was so awesome and exactly what I needed! I also cried hahaha.

One day I was given a "Wheel Chair Ride" outside. THat was the first time in 3.5 weeks I "stepped" foot outside. It was glorious! I can't even begin to tell you what it felt like to feel the sun on my cheeks, to smell the salty ocean air, and to feel the wind blow through my hair.  My senses felt like they were brand new. It was quiet emotional!

 Our view as we got to sun bathe for 20 mins.

 One night the sunset looked pretty amazing!

Another great friend, Morgan {we've been friends since we were 6 years old, Actually, she herself is an identical twin} was in town all the way from Central Illinois. Her and her husband paid us a visit. It was amazing to hang out all day and just talk! We love them!

 The night before my scheduled C-Section, my contractions were picking up so I tried to document it. Each hump is a contraction. This is about a 30 min time frame.

 One last picture with me, my mom, and that pregnant tummy.

 All set up and ready to go. I was scared out of my mind.

 This is my amazing OB, Dr. Agnew!! Love him. This is Rose.

 Rose, now back there being assessed by her team. {Notice the letters A and B?}

 Here comes Snow.

 She too got taken back to her team. She had a little bit harder time breathing but she did great in the end.

Rose

Gian cutting Rose's cord.

Rose weighed 5lbs 3oz and was 19" long. Born at 9:47am.

 Dad and his little Rosebud

Gian cutting Snow's cord.

Snow weighed 5lbs and 6oz and was 19 1/4" long. Born at 9:48am.

Dad and his Snowflake.

 Rose

 Sisters! They are always together!

 Getting ready for their new beds in NICU

Me and Rose. After a couple hours I was able to meet them. Still couldn't hold them though. I was immobile from surgery, so they made me stay in bed while they wheeled me around. It felt awkward.

Me and Snow. I was drugged up at that point and don't remember too much. 

 Oh hey ladies!!! 

Our celebratory meal at the hospital {don't be fooled we really celebrated with sushi and it was divine!!! I craved it my WHOLE pregnancy!}. I loved the Martinelli's. PS Did you know after a C-Section they don't want you to use a straw because it can cause more gas. Interesting.

 Snow White and Sleeping Beauty as they lay peacefully in their glass cases!

Their first tanning session hahaha jk it's just their biliruben lighting!

Little Ekemona finally came home and we took him to see the twins. I am glad he was able to meet them in the hospital before the huge adjustment happened.

Coming home on Easter Sunday!! Holding both girls at the same time was something I never could have prepared for. Such a crazy and surreal feeling. One of my favorite nurses from NICU... so glad she was there to discharge the twins. PS Worst picture of me EVER, but I don't even freaking care!

Getting pushed out of NICU was so neat. All the doctors and nurses seemed to line the long hallway wishing you farewell while gasping with joy and excitement, as if they were all clapping with our victory! Everyone knew what an accomplishment it was to finally go home and it felt good having a mini cheerleading team guiding the way to the door.

Finally all five of us together again! Don't you love Gian's face? ahahha It pretty much summed up how we were really feeling!

Their homecoming outfits! I LOVE THEM!!

I was .009 seconds too late at capturing Ekemona welcoming his baby sisters home. He has been so cute and so sweet to them. He loves to give hugs and kisses and run to them when they cry! He's a great big brother and a great big helper!

Finally THE END!! 

We Have Some New Birth{s}-days...

Welcome to the world..

Rose (5 lbs. 3 oz) and Snow (5 lbs. 7 oz) ...currently in the NICU...

McKinley is recovering and will return to blogging soon...stay tuned...

Rose

Rose

Snow

Snow

The Chronicles of a Stir Crazy Lady: Hitting a Wall

After I hit week three I began to feel emotionally weak. There was a cloud of depression that totally engulfed me. As I laid in bed, I remembered feeling the intense question of WHY. If it was such a blessing to have children why was THIS so hard? If we made the decision about getting pregnant and felt good about it, then why did this have to be so hard? Why did I have to give up complete control of everything in my life to be on bed rest? All these hard questions blocked me from happiness. I hit a wall! Which was a funny thought to swallow because I believed that I was free from the hardship. I heard my nurses and doctors say, "You will hit a wall, some days will get hard!" but I thought to myself, "Ohhh that won't happen to me because I am doing great. I got this!!! I am happy, I know it is worth it all... so I won't hit a wall!" There was denial all around me, every which way, which prevented me from experiencing "the wall" until one day I just broke.

One morning while Gian was here in the hospital with me, we FaceTimed with Ekemona. The whole time I was fighting the tears. When I felt them flood my eyes I shifted the screen so only Gian's face was in it. I missed my little boy blue so much. I missed not being able to snuggle with him or wrap his monster towel around his drenched body after bath time. I miss his kisses and the way his eyelashes fell on his checks while he slept. I missed the way he came and woke me up in the mornings and the way he says "NOOOOO!" and the way he would hold his fork while he ate. I missed the way he loved to take his shoes off when we came home and gently placed them away in their spot by the front door. I MISSED HIM TOO MUCH!!! Watching him on FaceTime made my heart break the loudest I have ever heard it shatter.

It wasn't until that moment when I became honest with myself and said, "It hurts too much to think of him. I can't think of him and all the things I miss because the emotion is too strong for me to conquer and deal with. So I'll repress it..." That truth began to rack up guilt of all kinds. I didn't want to forget him, I didn't want to miss him. If I didn't think of him then time would go by faster, when I think of him it made it hard to fight for this pregnancy and I wanted to give up just so my family could be united again.

As much as I tried to keep it together it was apparent that my face was feeling more then I could communicate. I hustled off the phone so I could just talk to Gian. I looked at him and the flood gated opened. I started off just saying, "I miss him," while tears streamed off my cheeks onto my pregnant belly.... Gian came and hugged me and those tears rapidly turned into yells and sobs. I have never whimpered such noises in my life, and it was loud, and visibly painful. And all the while I thought, "Oh my gosh... this feels so good. I needed the emotional release!" Gian stood there holding me while my emotions bursted out of me like a little fire cracker. At some point I managed to pull myself together, and we talked more. Gian had to get going so I understood I was going to be alone again, and I remember feeling the pain of depression darken the room. There wasn't a single thought in my head that could get me to not cry.

I realized I needed to be alone and I needed to cry. I was afraid that I wouldn't get out of the funk. I was afraid that my ability to find joy was gone and I couldn't imagine staying in the hospital for several more weeks with that kind of sadness, so I prayed. As I prayed and I begged to be lifted up, to find happiness and to find the will to continue to fight for this pregnancy, I prayed for strength because I was ready to give up. After that prayer, and many tissues, I was able to get back into normal place of mind... a glooming dark cloud seemed to hang over me, but it felt so good to release all of my emotions!

So I did what I always do to help the time pass by, which was unlock my phone and see what people were doing on Facebook. While I scrolled down the news feed I was reminded of this amazing video that was put together by the LDS church, which is narrated by President Henry B. Eyring {first counselor of the first presidency}. It is so powerful and it served a different purpose to me that day than it had the other 39 times I watched it previously.



The sincerity in President Eyring's voice and the truth that I feel in his words define everything I felt the first few nights I was here in the hospital along with the time I hit the wall. "If the foundation of faith is not embedded in our hearts the power to endure will crumble." That line pierced me!! It is exactly how I have been feeling. The power to endure!! We are expected to square our shoulders, wipe our brow, roll up our sleeves and plow through. We are expected to endure... because God knows we can. Everything about this video testifies to what I have been pondering the long and lonely days I feel when that dark cloud lingers above me.

I choose to share these experiences with you, in hopes that you may find relief in your struggles, or for anyone who chooses to Google "bed rest" and they somehow come across these "Chronicles." My intentions are never for you to feel sorry for me, and when I hear that I get sad! Mostly because I am happy... yes, this is a hard trial for me, it is the biggest mountain I have had to climbed, but I have so much to be thankful for that I don't ever want to discredit that. So I will say it; IT FREAKING SUCKS!!! But the blessing to be able to endure and stay pregnant is the greatest thing I can accomplish right now - its outcome is greater then I can imagine. Knowing that every day I stay pregnant is one more day that reassures that these babies have a healthy body makes all the discomfort tolerable... and that is where I find my joy... that is what fuels my ability and desire to plow through.

A Baby Shower at the Hospital

I have some great friends!! I am so thankful for them and our relationships. They wanted to throw me a baby shower, and then when I ended up in the hospital, so they decided to turn the baby shower into an open house. It was exactly what I needed. Being here in the hospital, I literally counted down the days to the shower. It is what made time move and it was so important to have something to look forward to. Not to mention, have a reason to do my hair and makeup for the first time in WEEKS!!! Being in the hospital, I am super restricted doing basic tasks and it is a blessing that I even have shower privileges. So it felt sooooooooooo good to wake up that morning and be excited for something! 

Thank you Amrah, Elyse, and Monette for being such great and supportive friends! 

Me, Amrah, and Monette

Gen and Me

Me and Elyse 

Amrah {a.k.a. Ams, a.k.a. AK47}

My sexy husband!!!

I'm excited to wear my homemade hospital gown!!

 The beautiful set up of amazing flowers and delicious food! 

Maternity and Family Photos

My friend, Jenni, is a cute and very talented girl. She started her own company called Bloomies where she makes some of the most amazing accessories. Be sure to check out her website. It's hard not to buy everything she sells!!

Another thing about Jenni is that she has a talent for photography. I am so impressed with her style and ability capture sweet candid images. Here are some pictures she took of our family on January 19th when I was 24.5 weeks pregnant..... is it crazy to believe that my belly is even bigger now? Gian told me the other night that my belly is no longer proportionate to my body hahahahha. Thank goodness for hospital gowns... it keeps me in denial hahha. 

The Chronicles of a Stir Crazy Lady: It's the Little Things

Being in the hospital all day, with so many restrictions, makes your days seem endless, and it's the little things that bring you happiness. It continues to amazing me how much the little things take my day from boring and lame to a place of gratitude and joy. These little things usually originate from people and their amazing willingness to serve.

I want to share with you all the things that have helped me in case you ever have a family member or friend in the hospital. Sometimes it's hard to know what will help others, and I hope that this can give you some insight or inspiration of what you can do for them because I don't know about you, but I never know what really helps me or how to ask for help. So these acts of kindness have shined a whole new light on how I can serve others in their hard times.

Home Sweet Home: When my mom flew out here the day I was admitted, she went to Target and came back with sheets and the world's softest blanket. As you already know, the first few nights were the hardest and when my mom made my hospital bed, with sheets of a loving mother, it really brought so much comfort into the room, and that night I slept the best I did in days. Gian brought me my pillows from home and VIOLA the bed completely transformed!!

Here is my mom making my bed with cute yellow and grey print.... so comfy 

and fun! Plus I get complements on it ALL the time!!! 

Spontaneous Visits: I have friends come and just sit and talk!! They stay for about and hour or two but it means so much to have people come and just visit!! If I am really lucky, they even come bearing food! Which is already a social event, but when you don't have the ability to eat when you want or what you want.... it literally releases endorphins causing a mini high!! PS It doesn't have to be spontaneous, planed visits are equally as fun because it gives you something to count down to throughout the day... which is what most of us moms here have to do to make time move.

Girls from Young Woman's came to visit me it was like a mini party!!

Christmukkah: I had a friend, Lindsay Bean, come up with the greatest idea I have ever heard!!! She came with a sack full of presents, each marked with a number and every day I got to open one gift. This was vital to me my whole first two weeks. I would wake up just like a kid would on Christmas day excited to see what I would find behind the brightly colored wrapping paper. The first one was a calendar, where I could write my goals and check off days to see how far I had come. It has been soooooooooooo amazing!! I was able to use colorful markers to decorate the calendar with joy and motivation. It was sooooooooo perfect and exactly what I needed! When I opened a new gift for a new day, she had written notes to explain the purpose and meaning of why she picked it. Some things were for the babies and some things were for me. Another one I loved was a journal, and I have been able to write in it anything I have wanted -  for the twins, for Ekemona, for myself. It was a great idea!!! She also wrapped tennis balls in cute colored socks and sewed them shut. They were made to rub out the knots you get when laying in bed all day. I LOVE IT!!! Sometimes I make Gian rub them out so I can relax and enjoy it even more.... then he does it to himself. He likes them just as much as me ahhahaha. And it was so nice to see the gifts for the twins. It kept me excited to dress them and I felt like I was nesting, even though I couldn't!

My pimped out calendar!! See the check marks? That's each day I had completed. 

Mondays are my big day of the week since that is when the twin's gestational 

date changes. 32 weeks is our first big milestone. Smiley faces are my words

 of encouragement! 

Blooming Things: I cannot tell you how much flowers have brought so much joy!! It brings color into the room, they smell good, and just the fact that someone is thinking of you and wanting you to know you are loved and missed is the sweetest gesture.

My friend Amrah put these flowers together for my shower.

They are all in different beautiful bottles and mason jars and sit on my window sill. 

Edible Delights: Like I mentioned before, FOOD!!! I have never felt more excited to see some kind of familiar food that I know and like! Even something like cereal or a candy bar, no matter what it is, it is uplifting and joyous to have something to look forward too. Even if it's gone within a few short minutes hahaha.

I Feel Pretty: I have made several of these hospital gowns and have eagerly wanted to start my own company, but this pregnancy has obviously given me some setbacks and that whole dream has taken the backseat. However, if you would like one please contact me and I would be thrilled and honored to make one for you, as it would further motivate me to continue my passion and dream. I have made these gowns for family and friends and of course that meant I had to make one for myself right?!? Luckly I was able to make it long before I ever was on bed rest, but having it makes me feel special. I originally made these gowns with the idea of making moms-to-be feel beautiful and sassy when in the hospital with their new baby. Usually a lot of pictures are taken at that time and a lot of visitors want to see your bundle of joy, and without any effort the bright colors and fun patterns bring a style and comfort to healing mothers without the complications of other clothing items. Being in the hospital on bed rest, I discovered a whole new experience with hospital gowns. This gown, with such little red carpet worthy shape, really makes me feel good when I know people are around, and all the nurses here approve!! They love it, some more then I do, ahhaahha and they all encourage me to keep my dream going! That in itself makes me feel even better laying around her all day!

I am wearing these sexy white compression 

hose to help prevent blood clots...

don't be jealous!!! 

Reading/Writing: So many people have dropped off magazines and short little books. It's nice when you grow old of the TV. And writing helps process all your emotions and hardships. I have found it so important and mentally rewarding to write out my thoughts.

Phone Calls: Any form of social interaction, including FaceTime/Skype, make the day feel a little more cheerful. It also keeps us feeling like we are still in the loop of things.

Baby Shower: I was blessed with some of the best of friends who wanted to throw me a shower while in the hospital. Luckily my hospital is so amazing and supportive and encourage all sorts of social events. It was so vital for me to count down the days and to wake up and feel like I could get ready for the first time in weeks. It felt good to socialize with others and have beautiful decorations and delicious food. It was just the perfect touch!

I am so thankful for people who have just taken the reigns and shown up with XYZ in hopes of making things a little better and easier because it really has!! I know in the past I would just say, "How can I help you?" or "Is there is anything you need, please let me know!" or "I'm just a call away!" I knew these things I would say were just empty words, but at the same time I felt so lost not knowing what to do for that individual. With all these people in my life who have been such great examples, I have been inspired to do better than just give empty words, but I know now to just show up with helping hands. So thank you to everyone who has been there for us these last several weeks!!! It has been so amazing to feel your love and kindness!

The Chronicles of Stir Crazy Lady: Part 1

Wednesday, February 13th:

I woke up just like it was any other day. I met a friend at the store to gather some Valentine's gifts for our girls in Young Woman {the youth group we volunteer for at our church}. My friend, Stephanie, offered to watch Ekemona while I ran to my doctors appointment... she even suggested I relax and pick Eke up after I was well rested around 1:00pm. Stephanie, her sons, and Eke went off to a bounce house where the boys had a hay day being wild and crazy. She was a life saver.

I never got to pick Ekemona up that day. Instead, I got undressed in a cold quiet room that was dressed and ready for a new baby... or in our case, babies. The beautiful view from my room was uplifting to the fears and anxiety I was beginning to feel. As the confusing day started to unfold, I twirled my thumbs and waited to see Gian walk through the door. Gian arrive and we looked at one another and realized we needed to begin a new plan. My mom called and said she had booked the next flight out and will be there first thing in the morning. It's amazing how you don't even know what you need in a time like that... but I needed my mom!! I needed her to watch my little buddy, my pride and joy, and care for him as if she were me. I needed her love and understanding to comfort me.

Night time came... my slumber did not. I was afraid to relax and I was afraid to be alone because then I would have to face the fact that my knees haven't stopped shaking since I got here. So I began to talk to my nurse for THREE hours! She filled the void I was trying to repress with her stories of her children and husband and friends. After she finally left, I rolled over.... more like hoisted a cannonball of a belly and slept a whole hour and a half . It wasn't even a deep enough sleep to forget my thoughts. I woke up, went to the bathroom, and waited for the sun to rise. While I waited, I began to feel like Dr. Drew's patients in Celebrity Rehab who are left in complete isolation to unravel their deep rooted emotions, and I just began to cry.

I cried for a good two hours and with every tear that fell I weeped harder. I was scared. I began to think of the twins and how we had clothes for the two of them to come home in... and what if they don't come home... what if only one comes home. Then I thought of my little sunshine boy, the little man who is always thriving with joy, the little one who made a couple into a crowd, a family. I wanted to be his mom!!! I wanted to be there for him when he is proud of himself, so he could know I was proud of him too. I wanted to hear that little voice and see that great smile. I wanted to be the one he picks to watch his favorite movie and to make his lunch and to tuck him in to bed just right!! I wanted to sing to him and read stories with his pajamas snug tight across his toddler body. At this moment I realized I didn't get the privilege to be his mommy, and that's when I cried the hardest. My heart sincerely broke and has been broken ever since. 

When the sun started to glare into my eyes I impatiently waited for my breakfast to arrive. It took too long and the hands on the clock never seemed to move. That day was rough. I was mentally and emotionally broken down and now my physical pains started to kick in. Everything about this strange mechanical bed was repelling me from feeling any relief. Everything seemed impossible. I replayed in my head how many weeks I would be here, and it all seemed so impossible. Especially when those moments came where I could actually feel my contractions... I felt so weak and so mortal. I wasn't sure if I could carry through. I didn't know if I had it in me to endure. I found an inner conflict. I said to myself, "What if I just gave up and let my body do it's thing.... and just let the babies come?!?" But it didn't sit well within my heart. ENDURE.... that word kept haunting and possessing my brain. I would twiddle and unwrap with the word like a curious little boy takes apart a train to understand how it works. Then it came to me. I had to make the decision to fight for this pregnancy, to commit to doing my best even if that meant doing some of the hardest things I have ever done before, to endure the physical pain to ensure the twins stay right where they are, and that moment I promised myself and the twins that I would ENDURE for them so they could have the healthiest bodies possible. 

At that time, I knew I had to sacrifice a lot of things to ensure the better outcome for our family and I knew it had to be a choice I made. My body was able and willing to go into labor at any moment and I knew that I needed to align my body with my spirit and mind to get into a complete meditation mode. While I drifted away into that state, which was easy because all the exhaustion I was feeling, thoughts began to flood my brain to the point where I wasn't sure I was even able to understand and hear them all. A few that I can actually remember were 1). Somethings just happen... they just happen. It doesn't make you wrong but its just part of living a mortal life. 2). Take the drugs they offer you, it's not a time or place to be worried about the side effects, their purpose in your life are more important at this time. As I came back into a form of awareness, I could also  acknowledge that there are some woman who don't get the choice to keep their babies in, but I have the ability to FIGHT and ENDURE and for the first time in my life I have to understand what those words really mean and turn them into a verb.

The first few days in the hospital were hands down the hardest days. Writing this post has brought back those emotions and just as I did on those nights, I cried. This has been one of the biggest challenges I have gone through. This is one of my biggest adversities that I have had to climb,  but every day gets a little bit easier. Everyday adds up to a week and that feels worth it! All the visitors and cheerleaders {those of you who have left so many wonderful comments, text, emails to help encourage me} make me thankful for the time that passes while I helplessly lay here. I never thought such little things could unlock so much joy, and for those moments I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am mostly thankful that those first few days here in the hospital are over. I hope they stay further and further away the longer I stay here.

It is all worth it!! And I know the out come will be greater then this hardship. Fighting and enduring has reviled such a great new meaning to me and I am thankful for the chance to apply them into my life along with the importance of known what it truly means.